Be a good dog

My doctor doesn't believe that I should read anything into dreaming about suicide. Nor was she particular concerned it seems that I cut myself the other day. She's renewed my prescription, saying that I seem obviously better but the effect of the medication builds up over time and I have clearly been down for some time. I bit my tongue to keep from telling her I've been down so long it looks like up to me. When I next see my counsellor I will see what he has to say about a depressed person's dreams of suicide.

This morning I was tidying my room. It has been forever since I tidied, it has become a nightmarish vision of a world where I don't pick up after myself. But my parents are due to visit this weekend, so I had to tidy up. As I was tidying I found a packet of pain killers that the hopsital gave me. I sat on the floor and just stared at the packet of tablets in my hands. I had to shake my head to get rid of the idea that I could swallow of what was remaining and that it would be preferable to sitting exams. There was only about 10 left in the packet anyway, which wouldn't have been enough -- but that wasn't the point.

I am feeling better, this I know. Unfortunately the medication has also meant that my libido seems to have disappeared entirely. So it seems that when I am very depressed I have no libido, but if I don't want to be depressed then I have to take pills which also affect that. Between us, I haven't noticed any negative effects in the actual performance in that side of things -- I just don't much feel like it these days.

Due to excessive amounts of spam I have abandoned -- or am in the process of abandoning -- my email address. I don't mean my diary-x address, instead the email address it forwards on to. Nobody should notice any real change in service, except that I am considering taking off response-o-matic. Unlike before where I was getting obsessed with constantly checking my diary for new comments and feeling inadequate if nobody left any comments, with response-o-matic I have been much better. However, there have been complaints about how it requires you to enter your name and email address -- along with your homepage now. I don't like anonymous comments, or not be able to respond to comments, and so I reallyt didn't think this was that much of a big deal. But apparently it is uber-annoying, and since I'm not really bothered about having a specific comments feature I might just get rid of it.

I need to be leaving here in a few minutes if I want to get to the pool any time soon. I also need to pick up my prescription. Both of these things are necessary today because I can feel my mood starting to fray.

It's complicated. I don't know if the medicated me is really me, or if the depressed and self destructive person is really me. I feel like the medicated side is more who I really am, and allows me to actually live and not feel angry and depressed and destructive all the time. But it's possible that I'm just running from it, or just being a good dog and taking the medication to be a kind of person society can deal with.

Maybe I should just find myself a Buddhist monastery and not come back. Conversely, I posted off the "please send me more information" forms to the Air Force today.