It hits you so much harder than you thought

It's sort of difficult to know what to write in an update, so for the past 4 weeks I have been putting it off. It sounds stupid, I surely have no less to write about now than I did however many years ago when I first started an online diary.

So, what's new? I'm still unsure if my stupid job is going to lead me anywhere fast, and increasingly of the opinion that journalism was a massive waste of time. I make plans, like I get my head down on my training at work and then can get onto the management program and get out and up. Or I will decide I will pass my driving test -- on like my third attempt -- and go work for a better company. I have no idea if these are just things I tell myself so i can sleep at night, to excuse that I work for minimum wage, can't afford to leave home and have no prospects.

This is totally not what I wanted this update to be.

Jon failed his driving test the other day for something like the fourth time, and has had to admit to himself he has problems with anxiety. When you're up all night throwing up then it's a pretty good guess -- but like I say, he's just had to admit it. He says it's made him sit back and take stock of his life, and has decided however nice a guy he is, he's still a loser. Which more or less makes me a loser, too, since I've nothing more going for me.

On a random whim the other day I found Tai Chi classes vaguely nearby. I figure it combines several things I want -- like fitness, self defence, and a centring of the mind and spirit. Of course, I might think it's all a load of old bollocks when I actually start it. I also want to get into mountain boarding. I went surfing in Portugal, except all week there was no surf. Nothing. Hardly a ripple. So on like the last day, a bunch of us went mountain baording since there was a guy called Alex Deimos who sort of lived at the surf house.

Alex is fairly well known in certain boarding circles -- I have an all-terrain boarding magazine with him on the cover -- so Alex and this Australian guy called Nick had a bunch of these all terrain boards, and took us out. It was a lot like snowboarding, but on rock. I liked it a lot -- like snowboaring and surfing -- and although I scraped up an arm pretty good and twisted a foot quite badly and spent weeks thinking I had cracked a rib, I want to pursue it. So one night at the pub I was explaining to Deb how I managed to scrape my arm up, and how I wanted to carry on boarding, and she said she would go too -- since she used to be a skateboarder. I just haven't got around to finding a place to do it yet.

I want to be somewhere else. Jon mentioned the other day -- again -- of moving to Milton Keynes. I don't expect anything to come of it this time any more than it does any other time, and I don't know what we could do even if we did move there. I want to be somewhere else tho, like Norway. Or Mexico. Or maybe Canada. The trouble is, though, you can't run away from yourself.