Darkside Lightside

I think I'm a bad judge of character. I have been musing over various people in my life -- friends, lovers, those who've shown me love, or come close -- and realised, not for the first time, that so many people occupy a strange grey area. I'm not saying I'm friends with all the wrong people, but that a lot of people I know I am really not sure if they are good or evil.

I can't go into many specific names -- damn you, blogger, for being so easily found in search engines -- but there are individuals that I can't quite work out. I have a friend who has apparently claimed his older brother sexually abused him, as a child. This is disturbing, because it means one of the two of them is seriously disturbed. Either someone is lying about it -- which is sick -- or it really happened, and we're sitting and talking quite happily with a pervert. Unfortunately, general opinion leans towards someone being a liar.

Then there's people like Deb, whom I have never really got a handle on. I don't think she led me on, but she certainly knew at the time I liked her... Sometimes when I talk to her, just her and me, I get this weird vibe like she wants me to kiss her -- but I tried that at New Year and she didn't go for it at all. I'll upload here about the *one* night with her... I mentioned to Jon -- and luckily, I know he's not evil -- and he said he thinks she's a bit of a tease, since she's apparently carrying on in some context with our friend Dave.

I've mentioned it before, and one late night -- when I'd sneaked out of the house while my parents were asleep to go play pool with Deb -- I asked her "So are you shagging Dave, or what?" and she was insulted at the suggestion, said they were just friends. But they have been spending time in his bedroom together with the light out when they think nobody is home. Which leads me to Dave: friend or foe. He knows perfectly well I was in love with Deb, or something like it, and one night we walked home in the rain and I poured my soul out to him, in my verbal-diahrhea drunken way, about all of my feelings for her. And then it seemed like he moved right on in there.

So that's two people sort of in one, Dave and Deb. Is she evil and manipulative and a tease and just likes to dangle the idea of her in front of me and watch me jump for it? Or is she just confused, not sure what she wants, lonely and in need of friends -- and possibly sleeping with Dave, but that's between her and her boyfriend. and Dave. And what about Dave -- is it any concern of his if a girl he likes is also liked by a friend of his? I think Dave has a very dark side he keeps hidden, but who am I to criticise? I have fantasised about burning his house down, just because "I saw her first". Obviously, I should point out for anyone wondering, I never actually would do that -- in a year or two I won't even remember what it was all about. But all the same, the idea floats to the surface of my consciousness.

Then there's people like Jade, whom I meet and seem perfectly nice and friendly and then she drops me like I'm something slightly less welcome than nose-picking.

And the list goes on and on, people I'm close to whom sometimes I think are good, and sometimes I think are evil and manipulative, and never being really sure. And thinking I'll just go live in a cave somewhere on my own instead. Because I know I'm no better, I wonder about myself as well -- am I a good person, do I mean well and try not to do anybody any harm? Do I try and live according to karmic laws and noble truths and sevenfold paths, or do I just hurt people and manipulate people into getting my own way?

A few weeks back, I was with San and she was lazily tracing the lines on my hand. She was shocked by it, she practically sat up and paid attention when she turned to me and said "You have a really bad temper" no kidding, I said. But she said she'd never seen it. "And you have a jealousy line than runs almost the entire length of your palm", remember wanting to burn down Dave's house? Thinking about Macbeth in work, and if I would get promoted if I murdered colleagues... I keep these things hidden.

I was considering this week changing my user pic -- that the whole Star Wars jedi/dark side metaphor for working in the media was wearing a little thin. The joke wasn't so funny, and I was using lightly something that was quite serious, the nature of being evil. But then I'm reminded of what dwells within me, and I feel it's maybe not so far from the truth -- sometimes I really feel the picture represents me.

At the end of the day, who do you know how to trust if you're not even sure about yourself?