I met her 9 years ago, this summer. I've written about it so many times. She was the cute girl, sitting on her own. I didn't think she'd want to talk to me, but started a conversation anyway. We got on instantly, spent the rest of the day together, and I was already falling for her by the end of the night. We dated, then I broke her heart when I went to university in Utah and didn't really give much thought to what we should do about our relationship. She started seeing someone else and that was the end of us.
I came back and we met up and I felt everything that I had felt before. I told her in a grand sweeping romantic gesture, and she got mad. Eventually she told me much later that she felt the same. She was angry at me for leaving and screwing everything up and never making clear what I wanted -- for buggering off on an adventure and leaving her to fill for herself the hole in her life I'd left. Eventually we got over it, even though she still loved me. but she started seeing someone else.
Periodically over the years we've met again. Sometimes a couple of years pass with only phone calls or emails in between our meetings. We met one day in Leicester, had a few drinks, and I knew I loved her. But I kept my mouth shut. Later she got in trouble when someone told her boyfriend they'd seen us together.
We met before this time around Halowe'en in 2006, a random pub in Holborn. And yes, the same old feelings. And yes, I stayed quiet.
This time we'd been texting a lot and talking about meeting up, and yeah I knew her and her boyfriend were "complicated" at the moment and that he'd moved out, although it was temporary. I suggested cooking dinner, she invited me over to her flat to cook for her. Later she invited me instead to a beer festival with her and her friends, but said I could still cook for her. I suggested Chinese takeway instead to celebrate the New Year. The beer festival fell through, but I was still to meet her. Meeting her one evening and drinking meant I had several options; being on the last train home at 10-something, paying out for a taxi, or staying the night. I asked her if it would be weird if I stayed the night. She said she didn't know if it would be, but I was welcome to.
So on Friday I finished work, drove home, got changed...then drove to South London, where she now lives. I packed an overnight bag and stuck it in the boot, but decided to play by ear if I would stay the night. I hadn't decided. I hadn't even decided when I arrived there, and we sat on the couch together with a couple of beers.
And guess what? Yes the feelings were still there. There was still that click, that spark, that light in her eyes. But this was also the flat she shares with her boyfriend, and his life was all around -- the guitar, the records, the pictures. It turns out he's moved back in, although he was out of town for the weekend. I don't know if she told him I was coming over and maybe staying the night. Doesn't seem a very sensible thing to say if they are having issues, but it never works trying to keep it secret -- makes it seem worse.
So the feelings were still there, but obviously I would never act on them, nor admit them to her. I shrug and tell myself it's not a true test, it's nothing like actually being with her, to spend a few hours with her socially. She clearly loves her boyfriend -- and even more clearly the more she drank. I kept my head and drove home, getting in just after 2am.
I like driving at night when it's cold and quiet out. When the roads are almost empty, and you can just listen to the CD in your car and pretend you're in a film.
Where do we go from here? She and I stay friends. We'll be friends if/when this relationship doesn't work out, and maybe the one after that too. Maybe I will introduce her to the next girl I'm in a relationship with, obviously not mentioning any of the above. But I doubt very much I'll ever tell her I love her again, even if sometimes I feel it.
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