On work and being emo

Monday evening was my first -- and hopefully not only -- interview to do the job permanently that I have been doing as a freelancer for the past 5 weeks. They'd been talking about interviews for weeks, but any time I asked I was told they were still working out the details. I wasn't too concerned, since they longer they took about it the more work I would have.

Eventually, it rolled around that they had it all arranged -- all their ducks in a row -- and my interview was Monday, 5.30. I complained to friends that I would be thinking about it all day, with it at the end like that, but on the plus side I had plenty of time to prepare.

The interview itself was unremarkable. One of the account managers interviewing me I have worked with quite closely on a couple of accounts, and already got the impression she liked me. I fielded the questions well; I was asked how I'd feel about working late some days, if the accounts needed it, and conversely finishing early other times -- and so reminded them of the day a couple of weeks ago when I got up at 3am, just so we could visit radio station breakfast shows. I felt reasonably relaxed and confident -- at least more so than usual in interviews, and left with quite a good feeling.

There's more people for them to see all the rest of this week and the start of next week -- before they make a shortlist of people for the second stage. There may even be a testing stage after the second interview.

Now I'm feeling unsteady. I started the day feeling cheerful, but after seeing a couple of other candidates about the place during the day, it sunk in how the odds are against me. People tell me that I shouldn't worry, that surely they would sooner hire me who has already been doing the job and settled in, than a stranger. But I can't rely on that any more, last time I had been doing the job largely without pay for six months -- and I was dumped in favour of someone new.

I might not make it to the second stage. Or I might make it to the second interview, and no further. I don't know what I'll do then. I think it's fairly clear I'll have to look for a new choice of career -- the experience I have will count against me, if two employers have both chosen not to keep me after interview it will look like there's something wrong with me. I was advised against doing any more unpaid work experience for that very reason.

I guess work is work, right? It doesn't much matter what you do. Perhaps of more pressing concern is how I can go from 0 - Emo in the course of a day. In work I can't let the mask slip -- I can't let anyone else even suspect I might be unhappy, and have to stay in character to do my job properly. I joke about these feelings, but I've said before recently I feel as if I am looking at a machine and lack the tools to fix it.

I don't know what I need. Some stability, some security maybe. Some belief in myself, or belief that whatever happens things will be okay.