Self improvement is masturbation

I'm losing track now how long it's been since I last had regular work -- and am beginning to feel more "unemployed" than I am "self employed". It's not good. Last week, following my interview in Southampton I had a blazing row with my Dad -- the highlights of which were him reminding me that I am nearly 30, have never had a "proper job" (his words) and now seem unable to hold down a job. I'm sure being single and living at home doesn't help me to look any more professional in his eyes -- not least that when he was my age, my brother was already married, a Dad himself and running his own business.

In light of this, I have had to accept that I really might not be best suited to a career in public relations. Since I don't have any clear idea of what I do want to do (other than take pictures, write and travel -- and there's no job offers for those flooding in) I should look at jobs I don't want to do. In my head, this is quite logical -- if I fail at what I want, then maybe I will succeed at what I don't want to do.

I have following this been applying for various jobs I don't want to do. I have so far applied for jobs as a recruitment consultant (I particularly dislike that they want you to be motivated by money and driven by "sales"), several jobs in local government working for the county council, registered my interest in being a clinical drug trial volunteer ("volunteer" is misleading, since it's not unpaid), and have gone as far as once again putting wheels in motion to join the Air Force. The latter is spectacularly unsuitable, since I question authority and am not over-keen on marching, shouting, or killing people. I haven't gone as far as applying to be canon-fodder, however, although they are apparently desperate for recruits.

On the other hand, I can see many of these jobs as having positive benefits or elements. Perhaps working as a recruitment consultant would not be so dissimilar to public relations -- except I'd be placing people instead of products? Plus, I could be the integrity and competency that so many consultants I deal with seem to lack. If I was to be more motivated by the desire to earn money it would at least open up more opportunities to me -- like finally moving out, and being able to afford to travel. And despite all the reasons why I shouldn't join the military, maybe it would be good for me? Maybe I need the discipline and order and security of it -- maybe it would encourage me to grow up, something I have failed to do so far in my 20-something years of existence.

I can't think of many positive things to say about having drugs tested on me for money -- and it's hardly a career -- because although I can make bold statements about the good it does, I'm probably interested in it more because self destruction seems a better option than self improvement. After all, it is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything...