Sailing towards the edge of the earth

"We're so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would be just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we're trained to want...Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish." -- Chuck Palahniuk

After however-many years of going back and forth, of will-I-won't-I and indecision, I made a decision today. I had the day off work, with it I went to the armed forced careers office, and I signed an application form. It's precisely because being in the military seems to someone of my personality type as wrong and foolish that I am doing it -- because anything you want you are trained to want. I am Columbus sailing towards disaster at the edge of the world.

There is also the eternal dilemma though that I do want it, that I do think it is a good idea. I want to prove something to myself, I want to be part of something larger. My whole life has been mememememe. Oh, poor Jay, he feels abandoned. Poor Jay, he feels neglected. Poor Jay, he's never going to be a movie god or a rock star. I want to devote myself to something bigger than my ego. Of course, by doing so I am obviously also feeding my own ego -- it's all another part of the trap of our culture. I also want to prove something to the rest of the world. I am not a slacker. I want to prove something to the people who say I would never make it through the basic training, or that with a history of depression they will never even accept my application.

The latter is something that I do need to look at -- in filling in the application form which was more like an examination booklet, I hesitated where it mentioned if you have had two or more incidents of deliberate self harm. I can't count the times any more -- but I think my saving grace will be that on the record, there is only one, and that was 5 years ago. I am going to request to see my medical records and correct anything on them I think is incorrect -- like that incident I have reason to suspect was recorded as a suicide attempt, when it wasn't anything even resembling one.

The application process is very long winded and will involve several different interviews, not to mention a physical exam -- for the latter I really have no excuse not to start going to the gym again.

Aside from the marching, the shouting, the wearing a uniform, the following orders and the general fact that it is the military it all seems like a good idea. There would be travel (meet interesting people -- then shoot them!), job security and opportunities to get paid to do things like go rock climbing. And you never know, I might rock that whole uniform look.

So to summarise, I work in a bookshop and have decided it's a good idea if I join the air force. It all makes perfect sense.