"Can I be awful about tomorrow and uninvite you? Not being an arsehole, but I've not been very well this week and my brother has just turned up to surprise me from Canada so I wanted to change it to close friends as I'm not feeling up for a big party anymore. Hope you're not insulted mate. Sorry"
And with that one message Claire officially uninvited me from her birthday party.
Do I buy any of that bullshit about not feeling well and her brother's "surprise" visit from Canada? Of course I bloody don't. She used the family thing for why she couldn't go the Sex Pistols, without realising I would remember her family were in Canada. I have been fair, I have been reasonable. I didn't make a fuss that she rejected me -- after all, she probably wanted some tall, handsome guy with long hair and the chiselled abs and all the rest. I have some vague recollection from the night we got drunk together of her seeing a guy like that and lusting after him. Nobody can hold that against her, she wasn't interested in me, I was fine with that. Maybe trying to kiss her was a bad idea, but I don't regret it -- I want to be the kind of guy that tries to kiss a girl because he wants to, without worrying if she'll reject him or over thinking it. It didn't work out, no big deal. At least I thought no big deal.
I said recently that Claire had turned down two invitations or opportunities to see me, and that I wouldn't bother again -- I would wait instead for her to show some willing. I really thought she had, with the invitation to her birthday. I was looking forward to it, especially as I regretted not being able to go to her Hallowe'en party.
But fuck her. I won't text her again, I won't bother to text her anything again -- not even a "hi, how you doing?". I don't fucking care how she's doing.
I carefully considered my reply. I contemplated giving it oh no, and I even bought you a present, but decided that was far too passive-aggressive. What exactly would I achieve by making her feel guilty? She'd probably only resent me, and I don't think she likes me very much as it is. I thought about bawling her out, telling her fuck you -- I thought we were friends, I don't believe this stories you tell me and I really don't appreciate that you think I'm stupid enough or enough of a sap to just swallow them.
But again, that wouldn't be very helpful, either.
So I just told her that, yeah, I was offended actually, but I understood. I didn't say what I understood (I understand that for whatever reason, despite inviting me in the first bloody place, she doesn't want me there) and for some unknown reason I didn't get paid today, so maybe it was for the best. She called me "mate" a few more times and thanked me for understanding. Screw that.
However it might seem, this is not about being rejected by a girl. It's not that I fancied her for a while -- the crush barely had the time to get off the ground, and when I stopped thinking about it, it just quietly stopped burning. What has actually upset me is being rejected generally. It's like with that stupid electro girl who dumped me before I even took her on a date -- before I was even in any way romantically interested in her.
This just makes me feel like I can't seem to manage to have a successful relationship -- not just in the romantic sense, but I can't seem to get some kind of friendship off the ground. Sure, like I say, maybe it was wrong to try and kiss her -- maybe we could have been great mates if I had never shown any kind of attraction to her, but fuck that. If she had any kind of respect for me, she should have been able to get over it.
This is not a "girls are evil" post, or even a "people are unreliable" post. Yes, people will always let you down and disappoint you, that's because we are all human and all fallible. This is just feeling sick of being rejected and not wanting to even bother with people any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment