"Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and imagines it is governing its masters; but the ballot paper that really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it.... when you vote you only change the names of the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new." George Bernard Shaw Major Barbara
I have my first "formal" interview for the Air Force on Monday, and I'm now wondering if the whole thing is a stupid idea. I remain sure that the discipline and structure would probably do a lot for me, and for how I view myself. I also think the role I would be carrying out as an officer would stimulate and challenge me, and that I could do the job very well.
So why the doubts?
I know people around me think it's an extraordinarily bad idea, or that I am just not suited to it at all. I get told that I'm a dreamer or that I'm too gentle (which feels a lot like being told I am effeminate) and that I couldn't handle it. It's no secret between me and my friends that I don't know if I could kill someone -- and surely that's quite important if you're looking to join the armed forces. There has also been doubts cast on if I would be able to handle emotionally people close to me dying.
I do have issues with being able to separate myself. It's funny, in a way -- sometimes I can be so detached from things, and sometimes I really don't feel like I attach to other people very well at all. But in other ways I can't put that distance there when I need to. As a journalist, I hated sitting in court hearings -- assaults, murders, abuse cases, I couldn't leave it at the door.
I should be preparing for this interview, and yet I feel incredibly uneasy when I am researching various air craft and read about their weapons capabilities. Maverick infrared missiles, cluster munitions, general purpose free-fall bombs... Does war determine who is right, or only who is left? There is certainly no room for doubt or intellectual debate within the armed forces.
I list among my reasons for wanting to join wanting to grow up and get out of the stupid, childish minsdet that the universe should revolve around me -- my whole life has been me!me!me!me!me!. I want to be part of something bigger than myself, I want to give myself to a simple cause. But ironically, isn't this reason still a very egocentric position? It's still all about poor, tortured Jay, trying to find out who is and where he should be.
I know I have to try or I will spend my whole life wondering, and the more people cast their doubts the more stubborn I am in wanting to prove them wrong. But I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing.
UPDATE: None of it really matters now -- I got my rejection letter today. But I am welcome to reapply in twelve months.
Eep! The air force! I don't think it's just you being a dreamer and I think that joining the air force is a scary move - you're a good person who actually thinks and I think the airforce probably discourages independent thinking.
ReplyDeleteIt's also scary because you'd be in such danger - no one wants that. I hope you wouldn't be doing this to prove that you can do it - I'm sure you could it's just - why would you want to? You don't have to prove anything - you're a good person the way you are. And, frankly, as to being a dreamer, I think it's the world which needs to change, not you.
(I'm not expressing this well, sorry - my concern for your safety is overpowering coherence... Just - be careful and think it over. Then think it over again.)
Who knows if you're doing the right thing? Just try it out. The worst that will happen is that it won't happen.
ReplyDeleteIt's very normal to not know if you could kill someone but, if you are joining the armed forces, it's probably a good thing if you think you could if necessary. Pacifists needn't apply.
I know I won't be able to say what I'm thinking well, so I'm not going to, for risk of it coming out wrong. You don't need yet another person telling you whether it's right or wrong.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder how your attitude of challenging authority and thinking about things will suit the armed forces, and I suspect (although I'm not certain), that at some part of the application process, you'll end up lying about things like that- is that what you want?
The armed forces aren't the only way to be part of something bigger than yourself, and there's other simple causes... if things don't go according to plan, there are other options for obtaining that. x
If you're okay with following orders without really letting that affect you then you'd probably be able to handle it. Killing is probably quite high on the list to tell you the truth - even though they'd probably term that as "patriotism".
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, of course the world revolves around you (and me)!!
I've been thinking about this. Joining the military requires you to at least be willing to be trained in the deadly arts. Killing people. Innocent people. Those who may be the enemy, but still have families to support. People. Now, I don't hold a grudge against anyone who does this. I just don't think it fits in with my perception of you.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told, this process is part of your journey to find out who you are. And I know what that journey is like... and it's so far away from who you are that it's leading you down the wrong path. By all means try it, but your doubts speak volumes.
I'm sorry they shut that door on you for the time being, but I'm secretly glad. I'd be sad to see you go off to wars. On the other hand, if you really were bound and determined to join up, I'm pretty sure the US military would cut whatever red tape there was to have you join up with them.
ReplyDeleteAurore: Thank you for your concern -- I don't think in the admin officers branch I applied to do I would have been in that much danger, plus I often have a disregard for my own well-being. Anyway, see the update now...
ReplyDeleteDune: They actually asked me in my interview if I would be prepared to kill or seriously injure someone. I don't describe myself as a pacifist (despite often using the phrase "I'm a lover not a fighter") and I think if necessary I could do it...but I don't know, and hopefully now will never have to know.
Amanda: You're right, there are other causes and I think you raised some interesting points -- without ever saying if you thought it was right or wrong. I think I know, or knew, your position on it anyway tho :)
Mez: As Amanda mentioned, I'm not sure how I'd get on with following orders without thinking too much -- but I guess that comes with training. Would I want that is a question I should ask.
China Blue: Because I'm an egotist, I'm interested in knowing what this perception you have of me is... Maybe you are right though, maybe I was on the wrong path, and those doubts probably are significant.
Jamie: I'm sure the US military would be only too glad to try and recruit me if they could...but I don't think I'm quite that desperate to be shot at.