My moods are lately cycling between depression/despair, and a kind of almost euphoric optimism. It's fun for the whole family, I can tell you. I saw an ad in the morning paper to take part in a clinical trial looking at depression -- "Great," I thought "This is one clinical trial where they won't exclude you for having a history of depression."
As a sidenote, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a bit of a screw-up and didn't exactly ace the first interview, I am reasonably sure that I would have been turned away from joining the RAF because of a history of depression.
Anyway, I was rejected for the study after all -- because I had psychotherapy last year when I was out of work and depressed. It was early and I was tired and I should have called it by its proper name of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, and it wasn't even what they were asking me about -- which was if I'd ever had Electro-Convulsive Therapy or the like.
But I was talking about moods. The other morning, as I was walking to the station, I was thinking about the song Given To Fly, which ranks up there as one of my favourite songs ever. I love the message of an ordinary person discovering unexpectedly an exraordinary ability, and as a child growing up I used to wish every birthday that I could fly. Sometimes now when I am unable to sleep or just want a distracting daydream, I'll imagine being able to fly and sit up on quiet rooftops in the dark, unnoticed. I was thinking about that song and how I want to be "given to fly" myself. Not just literally, but metaphorically -- I want that brilliance, I want to feel that inspired. I guess I have to be the change I want to see. Wasn't that something Buddha said? Either that or it was Henry Ford, and I get the impression those two gents were quite different people.
Where the video comes into all of this is that it's another message that I love and is becoming a mantra of mine -- I'm going to break my rusty cage, and run. It says I am not going to be confined, I am not going to be caged, I am not going to be limited. I am bigger than all of this. I am going to break my rusty cage, and I am going to be free.
Also, for such an inspiring song the video is hilariously 90s. I love that Absolute Radio have recently lauched their Absolute 90s station (and only wished it played more 90s alt rock), so it's very fitting -- but as I say, the whole thing is hilarious, with the crazy camera work and jumping all over with the guitars. Thankfully Chris Cornell has got more quietly intense over the years.
Breaking out of my rusty cage at the moment means I have to do something. Sure, my job sucks and I don't know what else to do -- but in the meantime, what I can do is write more, and if I want to one day do stuff with adventure sports then I need to put down the remote and actually get out there. We'll see how I get on with it all.
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