The great black bird

As a child, I was troubled with a recurring nightmare. I would be on my own, in our back garden, happily playing. And I would be carried off by a black bird.

I have no idea where the idea came from, but I can remember no other dream I have ever had that recurred like this one. I wish I could be more dramatic about it, and could describe the feel of the warm sun on my skin, or a feeling of simple, innocent happiness, before being snatched by the claws of this shrieking bird. But it wouldn't be true, for myself -- in my mind's eye the image is so clear, of playing quietly and of the bird carrying me away, but I can't flesh it out with horror story detail.

Some older readers -- or kind visitors who have been curious enough to read through my archives -- may remember a post about the First Time Club. A group of people I discovered entirely at random one day, who meet in London about once a month and as a collective do things for the first time. Activities they have joined in have included Morris Dancing, poetry readings and going to the dog racing. Where I got involved was with an art class. I said sign me up, and the next thing I knew I was posing for a life drawing class with a bunch of strangers.

There's been other opportunities to meet them that have passed by for one reason or another -- but usually a combination of having to work and not having the money to travel into London on top of whatever else we would do. I might have gone to the Christmas ball at torture garden, if it hadn't been for the cost of the ticket, hiring a costume, drinks, a travelcard, cab fare home... I say to myself there's always next time.

This time I could hardly turn down. The first time is taking part in a gallery show, Hannah who organises these things has for her own personal reasons arranged for us volunteers to display our artistic skills. At first, I said no sweat, I can get a photo on canvas printed to order, and at the end of the show take it home and put it on my wall.

Except that was kind of cheating. In discussion with Hannah about it, she said that didn't really count -- it wasn't really doing something for the first time if I already produced these pictures. She went on to tell me about the other artists taking part, how one man is a life model who draws figuratively, but he is making a sculpture out of sweet tins. It got me thinking, don't I always say I want to paint?

Except I kind of stalled there. Any time Hannah wanted to meet was always inconvenient (yet another reason for me to move to London) and I was just drawing a blank with ideas. I don't get "visual" ideas. I don't wake up one day with a great idea for a photograph (or drawing, painting, whatever) -- unlike how I might get a sudden sentence or turn of phrase strike me that I want to write down. I can't draw so it isn't like I sketch idly in my free time. For weeks I had nothing. I tried asking the universe for inspiration, but much like asking it to deliver me a quid for the coke machine and the parking space at work I wanted, still nothing was coming.

Eventually I managed to arrange a meeting with Hannah, and in a dramatic break with tradition it seemed the universe delivered. I remembered having recently told Dune about this childhood nightmare, and it suddenly seemed like this would be the perfect picture -- something deeply personal and meaningful to me. A dramatic and dark picture of this black bird from my childhood dreams, and drawing on my background as a writer, the bird would be partially obscuring a block of text, explaining about the dream.

Hannah was politely supportive of the idea -- I couldn't tell you if she thought it was any good or not, as I don't think she would have told me if she didn't like it. And that doesn't matter anyway, it's not for her or for anyone else. By way of encouragement, she suggested looking into folklore associations with black birds -- although sticking mainly to English culture, so as not to get too wanky about it (I might be paraphrasing there).

In my research, I've found the usual stories of a crow circling house being an omen of death, and of the legends surrounding the ravens of the Tower of London. What I didn't expect to find was a reference to traditional folklore from Yorkshire, where apparently children are told if they don't behave, they will be taken away by a great, black bird. The idea is obviously very Christian in nature, with the bird being the devil taking away sinners -- and of course, this would tie in with my own Catholic childhood. I'm wondering now what relative would have told me about this great, black bird -- because I am sure I didn't come to the idea entirely on my own.

The art itself is making slow progress. I forced myself to sit down the other day and look up bird images -- since I would need some kind of template to work with, being unable to draw. After what felt like hours -- the more specific I tried to be with my search terms, the less relevant they became -- I found the image I wanted, and with some work put together a kind of mock up in word of what I wanted. I have the text more or less how I want it, and the bird over the top -- although in this version the bird doesn't obscure the text.

What I need now is a canvas block, or several. I need to feel the canvas to know what size it should be; I am thinking something large like an A2 size at the moment. I also need to work out how I am going to paint or print this text onto the canvas, and most troubling of all how I am going to get the bird image onto the page. Suggestions are welcome, particularly suggestions as to what kind of paint would be good to use, where I can buy canvas blocks and how I might be able to get what is essentially a digital image painted onto my canvas...

Spamusement

Do you ever look at your spam emails? I think there's something very weird going on in there.

Generally speaking, as a rule, it's a good idea not to open any spam emails. Often they can contain scripts to alert the sender they have been opened, and that your account is active: giving them the big green GO sign to send more. Not to mention they could contain potentially various other nastiness, and the fact that you probably don't want to enlarge your penis or buy dodgy Viagra.

There was a time when I noticed text hidden in spam emails. If you opened the emails in a normal web-browser, all appeared normal -- but if you tried to view them in something that didn't support html, you saw something completely different. It seems that in an effort to subvert spam filters, these emails would contain large blocks of text -- extracts from Moby Dick, random, rambling sentences repeating themselves like a surrealist poem. I think somewhere in the dungeons of my blog here I've talked about it before, and posted extracts. Go take a look now, I'll wait for you here.

Back? Good. These days I don't open the emails -- and largely give no more thought to it than telling Gmail to delete all messages, without more than a cursory glance to check that a long-lost love has contacted me and been mistaken for a spammer. The other day, though, I was bored waiting for a train, and took the time to read down the list of senders and subjects.

What I am wondering is if these emails are targeted directly at me, if they have somehow found their way to me though other sites I have frequented, or if they are just following traditional themes of humanity. What I am wondering is if spam is controlled by the eddying currents of the universe?

I'm particularly interested that today when I look at my spam folder there is an email entitled "top notch gift ideas here". How did they know it's my Mum's birthday coming up and I was stuck for gift ideas? For that matter, my Dad and brother are reportedly also not exactly brimming with ideas. Perhaps it's just a safe bet, a bit like with horoscopes -- if you mention that you are trying to think of gift ideas, even if you weren't before you start wondering if you should be. Even if there's not a birthday, perhaps Mother's Day is coming up (if you're a silly country who has it on a different date to England), or it could be Father's Day, or a birthday, or a maybe a friend needs cheering up, or you are reminded that you haven't bought a gift for your partner in a while and it would be a nice surprise. Can anyone here say that there is nothing in their foreseeable future that might require a gift?

As for sex and dating, that's probably a given. You might be in a happy relationship, spending many nights (or days) putting into practice the yoga positions you have learned -- but there's nothing like sowing a little doubt in minds of men. "This will allow you have more happy nights with your girls!" reads one email subject, while others use the only phrase men fear more than "long term commitment" -- erectile dysfunction. It could be that you are in the absolute prime of your health, you get plenty of sleep, don't eat too much red meat or saturated fat, you exercise regularly (be it bedroom gymnastics, police dog training or just something more mundane) and you are happy, content and relaxed. Why would you ever need to worry about erectile dysfunction? But the doubt is there now. You might. You're not getting any younger... And of course, a worry itself can be a cause just as much as anything else. Even if you had never thought about it before, you might do now that it's been brought up.

If you aren't in a relationship (in whatever context you deem necessary) then there's plenty for you, ranging from <3 <3 <3 <3 Get A Date! <3 <3 and Meet Your Soulmate!, for those who might be actively looking but not finding, to the more insidious "You REALLY need to find someone special. Seriously." which I think almost shames you into admitting you aren't happy. It's like if someone said "You REALLY need to brush your teeth. Seriously" even if you had never given it any thought before, you will now be asking yourself what's wrong with your gnashers.

Other than that, of course there are dozens of emails offering money; "Get rich quick!" screams one email, while another I don't understand instructs me to "Turn GOLD into CASH". Surely if I had gold bars lying about, cluttering up the place, I wouldn't be too concerned about turning them into cash? And I don't think the chunky gold-plated jewellery from Argos that chavs so adore is what they're talking about.

But again, the job emails are like dating and sex -- they make you stop. They tell you that nurses are in demand, ask if you've thought of becoming a cop? Maybe these don't appeal to you, so there's lots of "work from home!" suggestions, along with more off the wall ideas that might appeal to people who read spam emails -- things like "massage therapist" or a career in culinary arts. Doesn't that sound more interesting than what you are doing? There's jobs for people who like to wear uniforms, jobs for people who don't like to leave the house and even jobs for people who like getting their hands dirty.

If the universe was really trying to tell me something, I'd expect less emails like "Lose weight without trying" (which sounds like having dysentery if you ask me) and in their place emails that would say "Sell your art without having to be any good!" or "Become a musical genius overnight!". Emails that simply say ____________cars_________ in the subject don't do a lot for me. Although, now you mention it, I would like a new car, with power steering, and air conditioning, and a CD player that doesn't skip.....Maybe I had better read that email.

The dangers of postcard porn

I was originally planning to write a post today about St George's Day -- or maybe referring back to the post I wrote about my associations with being English. But -- I'm not any more.

A "postcard porn for my wanderlust" post is overdue, since I have been sending and receiving cards through postcrossing and have a couple I want to upload and write about. This is now being given a new edge, however. When I get new postcards and I scan them in to post here and write about, I also post the images along with my brief comments to the appropriate Facebook group. I've never given it too much thought.

Once, someone commented that they thought it was rude of me to say that I thought a postcard I'd got was a bit disappointing. The disapproval is always for the sake of the potential sender seeing it and being upset, though, and I think the odds are stacked against this ever happening -- people often like to be offended on behalf of others. I accepted at the time that not knowing me or what I'm like would make the comment seem a lot worse than it was, and so deleted anything that would cause offence. And I thought no more about it.

I recently made friends with a Norwegian girl on Facebook, after she commented on a postcard I'd received from Finland. We should all know what I'm like about Norwegian girls, although if she had green eyes or not I never got around to asking. I didn't think too much of it, except we shared common interests -- like photography, and postcards, and she was an Aquarius.

Today, another random user commented on a German card I had posted, explaining to me what it said. I replied, thanking them for their help. Then, the Norwegian girl joined in the conversation. She felt it necessary to wade in with the comment that although she didn't want to have a go at me (or words to that effect, I've deleted the offending remark now so I can't check it) she thought that my comments on the cards I receive were often rude, and it would be unkind to the senders of these cards. She also told me that people don't know what to write on postcards and so it was that commenting about the weather wasn't just a British thing. She ended saying it was postcrossing and not penpals.

Well excuse me all to hell.

It was an honest question the times I have remarked on senders talking about the weather -- I haven't travelled a great deal and can't speak any foreign languages fluently (or much at all beyond "two beers, please") so I was unclear whether it was generally accepted that if you have to make small talk with an Englishman you should mention the weather, or if it was instead a universally-accepted subject. Perhaps some of my remarks may have seemed sarcastic -- like in this post where I remark that the Japanese sender tells me it is Autumn in Japan, which funnily enough it is in England, also.

I do say nice things about imagining this life in Japan so different from my own, but perhaps spoil it by saying I expect the sender is wearing one of those weird facemasks they're fond of in Japan when they have colds.

On browsing through the cards, in just this batch alone it doesn't end there. Here I make a risque reference to "the famous German sense of humour" and go on to mention that the people in the picture look like freaks.

There is also this card, where perhaps it's bad form to say that someone's self-described beautiful city doesn't look all that, or to say the postcard's caption gives me more detail about the city than the sender does.

I can see now how where such remarks should perhaps be confined to my blog, where the senders will never see them. They were intended to be humorous -- though I guess nobody but me ever saw them that way, even here. Although nobody else found them funny, what does that matter? I can say whatever the hell I like! If ever a sender did see one and took offence, I would apologise and explain what I meant. But I don't agree with being offended on behalf of someone else.

I hope that at least my handful of readers here know that if I sound mean or unkind you shouldn't take me seriously -- I love getting these cards in the post (otherwise I wouldn't do it), and I don't think I have ever said anything really offensive. If I say "I'm disappointed by this", then what is that other than my own feelings? Who knew there was so much politics involved. In future, all cards received will be posted here with full and unrestrained comments. But in every other public forum, there will be no comment that is anything more than factual.

And certainly no attempts at humour.

He's so deep, like dirty water (updated)

Because Non-Blondie did it first, and because I didn't know any of her answers, I present the geeky music quotes quiz. I think I have a book one knocking around somewhere, consisting of first lines -- I'll save that one for when I'm really bored. I'm not nearly as clever as Non-Blondie, whose own quiz was the soundtrack to her final year at school. I'm just a tremendous music snob loveable geek.

1. She's a real left-winger 'cause she been down south
And held peasants in her arms
She said "I could tell you a story that would make you cry"
-- partially guessed correctly by Raine -- yes, it's the Pixies, no it's not Come On Pilgrim

2.Mary had a little lamb, her face was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went I was sure to go
Now Mary's got a problem, and Mary's not a stupid girl
Mary's got some deep shit, and Mary does not forget
-- Guessed correctly by Non-Blondie. Perhaps a bit obvious choosing the same artist and album as one of yours, but I hoped the line might be a bit obscure.

3. The war is over
So said the speaker with the flight suit on
Maybe to him I'm just a pawn
So he can advance
-- Guessed correctly by Raine, full marks for identifying "Dirty Harry" by Gorillaz

4. The free market is perfectly natural,
Do you think that I'm some kind of dummy?
It's the ideal way to order the world;
'Fuck the morals, does it make any money?'
-- Guessed correctly by Mez, although technically the title is just "Running The World", by Jarvis Cocker

5. Darling your love is no longer enough
I guess prison has changed me, I need other stuff;
I need gin in a flask, a file and a rasp
A small box of kittens, and a Lone Ranger mask

6. She deals in witchcraft; one kiss and I'm zapped.
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me.
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me?
-- Guess partially correctly by Mez, who knew the title, and so shares the prize with Raine who identified the song as "Female of the Species" by Space

7. Tell me what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now I think I'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing

8.It seems that all of us are just fiends
who have different goals and share different dreams
but you wont find joy in a packet of pay
there’s a void in your life ‘cause you ’re created that way

9. They declared me unfit to live
Said into that great void my soul'd be hurled
They wanted to know why I did what I did
Well sir I guess there's just a meanness in this world
Guessed correctly by Amanda -- anyone who didn't know it should be ashamed! I wrote a whole post about the song, which is obviously "Nebraska" by Bruce Springsteen

10. I'm waxin' down so that I'll go real fast.
I'm waxin' down because it's really a blast.
I'm goin' surfin' cuz I don't like your face.
I'm bailin' out because I hate the race
Of rats that run, round and round, in a maze.
-- A very popular song, Non-Blondie was first past the post to identify "Surf Wax America" by Weezer.

There's still more to be identified, so there's everything to play for -- and I have changed number 8 because I felt it was just too obscure. Unlike number 5 perhaps...

Tired of doing day jobs with no thanks for what I do

Work is a bit up in the air at the moment, which is never a feeling I enjoy.

More attentive readers might remember that I took this current job on a six-month contract. It bears no resemblance to anything I would like to do with my life, and doesn't seem to involve many things I enjoy. It was just there when I needed a job, and having seen relatives recently I had their pitying looks and the words "You're still looking for something interesting" in my head. So I took a job that wasn't interesting -- but was instead a steady, secure job and quite unlike last year's PR freelancing.

The fact that it was a six month contract was a blessing and a curse -- it meant that I could hold something down for a nice steady length of time instead of a month here and six weeks there. But it worried me slightly that the job might be intolerable and I'd be stuck in it. As it turned out, the job is dull but perfectly tolerable. They're very happy with my work (although I only ever hear this through my temp agency, they never express it personally to me) but there's a cloud on the horizon.

A couple of people in my life suggested to me when I started the job that this six month contract might not really be exactly what it says on the tin -- that a lot of employers state the job is that, so they can kick you out after six months if you're useless and be free of any reprisals. I hoped this would hold true of my job.

Last week I was having a discussion about work with my colleague Matt. Matt is a nice guy, only ever takes anything resembling an interest in me or my life when there's nobody else around. If I should happen to be in the bathroom at the same time as him, he'll strike up a conversation, or if we're the only two members of the purchasing department in that day. He's not unfriendly by any means, but it seems he's not much one for small talk, and I'm not the kind of guy who likes to talk -- or talk about himself. That's what the blog is for. So, Matt and I were talking and he was asking me about the contract and if I had any thoughts about work here or other plans. I said I hoped to convince them to let me stay longer, not because the job is great but because I need it on my CV for the time being. I said it didn't seem to me like at the end of six months I simply wouldn't be needed any more -- it feels like there is a job for me to do, and an arbitrary date on the calendar wouldn't make my work disappear.

That's when he explained that the manual reordering system we are trying to convince our bus depots to use for the ordering of the engineering parts they need is designed to effectively do away with my job. The only parts that would need to be physically phoned through to suppliers would be the urgent orders, and between them the department (which effectively would just be him and Annette) would be able to handle that.

Of course, there's more to my job than just the ordering of the parts -- I have made very certain of that. Any time something needs to be done, I'm happy to take it on. I incorporate more and more things into my daily routines, with an eye to making it difficult to get rid of me. Sometimes it backfires -- I did this on my PR internship, and even had a personal meeting with the MD where I told her that the job I was doing unpaid as an intern needed someone to be doing it permanently. So they created a job, interviewed me for it, then gave it to someone else and put me out on the street.

We had a new member of staff join our department perhaps six weeks ago, and she lasted all of about a month. She claimed she was lied to by her agency who recruited her and lied to in interview about the job -- what was true we don't know, but apparently now she has left there are legal proceedings looming. The company are interviewing all over again for someone else to come in and do that job, but in the meantime are hiring another temp. They keep reassuring me that this person is no threat to me, will only be here for a few weeks, but that they will be taking over a lot of what I do. There was an oblique reference to more or bigger things for me to do when this happens, but it's hard to see what will happen.

My boss asked me, not unlike Matt, about my plans. I spoke of wanting to perhaps stay and he explained that it wasn't just the automatic computerised ordering system, but that they had to justify to the powers that be everyone's place. He told me how he had been asked to send a list of employees working under him (all three of us, then -- perhaps four if you count the guy who works at a different office) and being a temp the powers that be might axe me. He said he hoped to sneak me in under the radar for as long as possible, but there's a possibility that even if I try to make myself indispensable, the people who decide on budgets for staff won't know or care.

I try to remain positive. I think if it does look likely to finish at six months or shortly after, I will look again for permanent work in London -- with a view to moving there. All the cool kids are doing it, and I think it was meeting Fiona a few months back that made me realise it is not impossibly expensive to live in London without an amazing job. If this job does finish I could look at doing something I enjoy or that actually stimulates me... Or I could look for jobs like this one but in London instead...

Like most areas of my life, I swing between thinking that I have failed at everything I have ever tried, and that if anything ever changes it goes from bad to worse and feeling confident and optimistic about what the future holds. I know logically that whether I think I can or think I can't I will be right, but that doesn't help.

The universe should be my supermarket -- so why isn't it?

I read a book on Cosmic Ordering last week. The concept of it seems quite simple -- to ask the universe clearly and politely for what you want, give it a time frame for the delivery, and then away it goes. Apparently, you don't even have to necessarily believe the universe will deliver -- the author of the book I read said she placed her first "order" as a sceptic, to settle an argument with a friend who believed it. It also says that being tempted to reconfirm your orders or give them an extra "push" of energy from time to time is counter-productive. I'm not sure if these two ideas contradict one another -- the latter suggests you lack confidence in your order, but what does it matter if you don't even have to believe it?

I started out with a couple of small orders at first. I ordered "some interesting post" to arrive by the end of the week. I thought that was ambiguous enough -- it could be a surprise from a friend or a postcard or a letter or any number of things. I also requested an email from a particular friend within 24 hours.

At first, I thought it hadn't come through -- I went to bed without the email I had ordered. But the next morning, there it was waiting for me -- it had been delivered while I slept, so it still came through within the time period I specified. This left the interesting post. A day or two went past with nothing, but I had said by the end of the week -- and before the week was out, not one but two unexpected postcards from postcrossing arrived (I'll scan them another day for postcard porn).

Now, both of these could be considered a coincidence. I was owed an email by my friend, it wasn't completely out of the blue. I also probably was owed postcards from Postcrossing, too, since one I sent had just arrived -- although I can never work out Postcrossing, sometimes I am about five cards in credit compared to what I have sent, and sometimes it goes the other way. It rarely seems to be exactly equal -- like how with two cards turning up on exactly the same day. The book had an amusing analogy about thinking these things are coincidence -- imagine you order a sweater by mail order. The sweater arrives. You then call the mail order company and tell them that you don't believe the sweater you have received is the one you ordered and is in fact a sweater you already had -- furthermore you also believe that they still owe you the one you ordered. So I could choose to believe I ordered these things and they arrived, or I could believe they would have arrived anyway. One way makes you happy, the other doesn't.

Unfortunately my positive tales of orders received seems to end there. I have tried ordering a parking space I want at work -- but it never comes. I don't understand why. The other day I also wanted a pound coin for the coke machine, since I didn't have one. That didn't come either. I wasn't asking for a large sum of cash to magically appear, it seemed perfectly reasonable to find a pound coin just lying on the floor somewhere, or in a forgotten pocket. Why the hell did these things not work? I didn't put any more or less emphasis on them than my other options -- my consistent lack of the parking space I want doesn't ruin my day. So why one thing and not another?

I have asked the universe for the right job. I don't want to leave my current job quite yet, but it would be good if the universe could at least show me where I should go, so I can know what I am aiming towards. The trouble is, I don't know if the random ideas I get should be entertained or if it just seems like the grass is greener. Work is a blog post for another day right now. I've also thought it can't hurt to ask the universe to deliver the right person into my life. Like with the interesting post request, I trust the universe to know what is best for me -- better than I can. But I am also confident there that if this mystical bag of wonderful doesn't materialise out of thin air -- or better yet be a person already actively in my life in whatever way -- it's because I am not ready for it.

I am unsure about the mechanics of this ordering business. As I've said, I spend long afternoons pondering how it works if you can 'order' something without believing in it -- since this can't be the reason for not getting the things I order. I am almost certain that the power of positive thinking doesn't create some kind of magnet, rather you subconsciously create what you require and notice what is already around you. I like being thankful for the things in my life, but sometimes it feels just a little bit too much like I've gone full circle, and am back to praying and believing the things in my life have been given to me by some invisible, mystical force.

I don't accept that the universe doesn't deliver to me the things I secretly don't think I deserve -- while that might apply to work, girls, even success, it doesn't adequately cover why I don't get the trivial, little things either. I need to read more, I need to read around the subject perhaps -- I need to read it as it appears as Neural-Linguistic Programming, as well as in such contexts as Comsic Ordering, The Secret and Conversations With God -- all of which I believe talk about the same sort of intention-manifestation idea. I also clearly need to get right back to basics and return to my reading of the 20 Greatest Philosophy Books (helpfully contained in one, small, easy-to-read book).

In the meantime, I'd like to place a cosmic order for more money -- best of all in the form of a steady flow of people wanting to buy my artwork for a small profit.
Then, later on, monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Take a different way home

There was a quote I read once from Sid Vicious, who said "You just pick a chord, go 'twang', and you've got music". That's sort of how I approach photography.

Some of what I consider my best pictures have been taken on disposable or cheap cameras. I don't have any expensive kit, I don't monitor light levels or have any sort of training. I think it just has to come from passion. As is probably obvious, I'm generally more a literary than visual person, I'd love to paint, but I just don't seem to 'think' in terms of pictures. Most of my pictures are from wandering about, just to 'dig' stuff, or just snapping things because I like them -- rather than because it's art. It can annoy me that wherever you go there is someone trying to be artistic -- you're trying to walk up the escalator and someone is there, crouched down with their digital SLR, getting a shot at ankle-height... Or maybe I'm just jealous because they thought of it first?

I try to always be open to something that might make a good picture (although I never have my camera) and will pull the car over, or go back to the spot later if necessary, just so I can take pictures. Sometimes it looks rubbish, but I just shrug and that's that.

Last night I drove a different way home -- I just felt like it. I was so bored of the same dual carriageway that I decided I'd get off an exit early and try to find my way home from there. As we all know, I have a terrible, absolutely awful, sense of direction -- but I knew I couldn't go far wrong, and something inside me just said to do it. So I did. I did actually get a bit lost and didn't really find a different way home so much as a very convoluted and circular way back to the same dual carriageway. But then I went a different way again -- where I sort of knew the way but I think I missed my turning, so I just carried on. What made it all worthwhile though was passing one of those old World War 2 lookout posts -- the old concrete things you see in the middle of fields. There's a few near here, and I always want to take a picture of one I see, but can't figure out a way to get near it. This one tonight was right by the side of the road, and even better there was several places opposite where I can park.

I considered getting my camera from home then driving back there -- but I didn't in the end. The camera's memory was mostly full, since I hadn't yet uploaded my pictures from Seville -- my camera has been sat on my desk for weeks -- so it would have involved uploading everything off it (once my computer was finally booted up) then driving back there again, but the light wasn't great. I convinced myself that the pictures probably wouldn't even be worthwhile -- it often frustrates me that what looks good to look at doesn't necessarily translate to a good photograph.

This evening I went my normal way home. It was bright and sunny, and I decided yes, yes, I would get my camera and go back tonight. I would just go and see what happens...

I had a very nasty surprise getting the pictures off my camera. Half of what I remember taking isn't on there. Pictures of the streets, many pictures from the Cathedral, pictures taken on the boat trip -- just plain missing. Even worse, the morning of the parade, Dune had asked me to use my camera's video setting to capture the music of the parade, and we had been lucky enough to catch a mournful saeta. I am sure I remember checking the video after I recorded it -- and yet it seems everything I saved to the internal memory on my camera is absent. I hoped at the time this was just some glitch I could work out later -- but I've looked since and it's just not there. No doubt it is due to some unfathomable stupidity on my part. I could just break something.

Anyway off I went this evening, and snapped my pictures of this old war relic. I haven't reviewed them properly yet, but I expect I will post some of them later. First, they need to be cropped and edited, and before that I am going swimming. It's Friday night, and I'd normally be down the pub, but tonight I just feel like quietly swimming laps for an hour or so, and coming home.

Suddenly I See

When we were in sunny Seville, I told Dune that I had discovered two things about her and that I was going to make sure I blogged about them. The first was that completely unlike me she not only had a good sense of direction, but an almost uncanny internal compass -- without needing to really try, she would often know exactly where we were and how to get where we needed to be. I would say something like "Stop -- weren't we meant to go the other way down the street?" and she'd gently point out that we were going the other way to normal.

The other discovery was that her moral compass might just have got a little bit off course -- and that perhaps it had been exposed to a magnet at some point. We were discussing her proposed laser eye surgery, and how she was going to have x-ray vision as a result of it -- and how she planned to use her power for evil. I was shocked, as you might imagine, and insisted in a similar position I would only use my powers for the good of humanity. Dune said anyone who claimed such a thing was either delusional, a liar, or both -- and that spying on people's underwear was the way forward.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks to this past Saturday -- the big day of Dune's surgery. She had asked me earlier if I wouldn't mind accompanying her, since she would need someone to help her get home; I refused to let her give it another moment's thought, of course I would go. Dune was a little concerned that I'd have to amuse myself for a few hours while she was in there and recovering, but I insisted that wasn't something she should concern herself with. I figured I could go watch a film, or find a bookshop on Charing Cross Road where I could read poetry, or any number of things.

Naturally, Dune was a little apprehensive on the day -- it sounded like a frightening procedure, even if it was to be the very definition of quick and painless. We found the place with the slightest trouble with locations, and on arriving found it wouldn't be the 2 - 3 hours we anticipated, but more like 90 minutes. They also helpfully left it to this point to mention that Dune shouldn't take the Tube after the surgery, because it was "dirty". Okay, fair enough, they might have a point -- but being located in central London might it not have been helpful to mention this sooner?

Don't get me wrong, I like catching the bus. I actually prefer bus journeys in London to tube journeys because there's more to look at, and if the bus breaks down at least you can just get off and walk. But they take forever. The traffic is always terrible, then there's always road works on top of that, and in the end you wonder if it would be quicker to walk. It's not quicker to walk from Tottenham Court Road to Liverpool Street station, if anyone is wondering -- I've not done it, but I did consider it once, and worked out I'd be better of just sleeping under my desk in the office.

If there is one good thing to be said for them waiting until almost the last minute to mention this Tube aversion, it was that at least it would give me something to do while I waited. I considered an internet cafe, but instead sent off a hasty text message to AQA asking for bus details since I figured it would cost just the same, and someone else could do the leg work. Turns out I would have been better off working it out for myself, since although they told me what bus to get from what bus stop, it wasn't quite as detailed as it might have been.

While Dune was going under the knife, I walked to Leicester Square -- about a minute away from where I was working in PR around this time last year -- and grabbed lunch at Hamburger Union. The food is very good quality, but unfortunately I don't think the price tag quite matches the increase in quality. Go into Burger King, you can get your bacon-cheeseburger with chips and a coke for less than a fiver, go to Hamburger Union and they might be made from freerange cows who live happy lives in lush valleys, served on rustic bread with ears, and real chips that look and taste like chips and aren't frozen -- but the price doubles. I should have gone to Subway on Charing Cross Road and just got a steak and cheese with green peppers.

I was just leaving the burger joint when Dune called to say she was finished with the surgery and I was welcome to come back. I made haste to get back, and was led to a quiet, dimly lit room, where people including Dune were sombrely sat in their dark glasses. Nobody seemed very happy, although I wanted to tell the man who seemed to be there with his girlfriend that now was not the best time to complain to her about the cost of their taxi home.

Dune and I set off before too long to find the bus stop, and although Dune could actually see (I was unsure if she would be able to or not, at first), the biting wind and the dust wasn't making it a very pleasant experience for her to be outside, and she let me know that it would be appreciated greatly if we could find this bus stop as soon as humanly possible. At this point -- not being entirely sure where our bus stop was -- I thought again how it might have been better to have worked these things out for myself first of all. Luckily, one bus stop had a map on the wall of the shelter and I was able to establish we wanted to be on Oxford Street.

Back we walked, the way we came, and Dune was particularly unimpressed that we had to walk past the fountains at Centre Point, which were spraying in her face and her eyes because of the wind. Luckily, I escaped a beating when I found our bus stop, and we didn't have to wait too long for our carriage. The bus journey of course took forever -- and I think Dune had her eyes closed when I was pointing out St Paul's Cathedral -- but to its credit, it got us to the very door of Liverpool Street Station. Better yet, our platform was just at the bottom of the escalators, and a train was ready and waiting for us.

Even in her weakened state, Dune was telling me how much clearer her vision now was -- but her leisure activities were greatly restricted. There was to be no television, no reading, and no computers. Luckily, she was allowed to drink wine otherwise we agreed she might as well just end it all... We also later found that Dylan Moran's stand up is perfectly reasonable to listen to as a kind of radio show. I can personally vouch for Eddie Izzard's suitability for this, too. Both benefit from the visuals, but if you've got a heap of imagination they work very well as sound-only. Not only does Dune have imagination, but she also now has X-ray vision, which she plans to use for nefarious purposes. So be warned.

Pension Book

Over dinner with my parents this evening, I asked my Dad if he would be so kind the next time he talks to my uncle (or one of my many uncles) to ask him for contact details for my cousins. Whenever we see each other we're all like "We must meet up and go for drinks!" but we forget the important part of actually exchanging details.

I explained that I already have another two of my cousins contact details after I found them on Facebook, but the cousins I am pestering my Dad for are all a few years older than me, and I don't think they really "do" social networking.

Life then took a turn for the very surreal when my Dad announced he was on Facebook. I tried very hard to snort lager out through my nose at this point. Really? I asked him. Yes, he said, I signed up once when I was looking for old school friends, but I didn't find anyone.

At this point I really couldn't stop laughing, it was the most absurd thing I have ever heard -- but I quickly realised he was talking about friends reunited, which we all know includes everyone you went to school with trying to pretend they are earning 100k a year and living in Beverley Hills. I think the last time I updated it I claimed I had moved to a Buddhist monastery.

My Dad sadly has no idea what Facebook is -- I say sadly because I would love to see what groups he would join. Perhaps "retired accountants kick arse" or "I like to talk when you are trying to watch a film", or just "I spend so much time on my own I have long conversations with the cat, including pauses for the cat to respond in".

Update: I underestimated Dad and clearly shouldn't be so quick to make assumptions about him! He really is on Facebook -- and really did join to find old school friends -- but it seems he hasn't done anything on it since the day he joined.

At the recruitment office

As mentioned before, I took last Monday off work sick so that I may have my first formal interview about joining the RAF as an officer.
I had various doubts and concerns, but I felt it was something I *needed* to do. Maybe I felt I had to prove something, maybe I wanted to give two fingers to all the people who said they didn't think I would be able to do it. Maybe I was just looking for a radical change in my life.

For better or worse, on Monday I put on my best black suit, a crisp white shirt and went along to the recruitment office to see what I could do. I was asked to take a sear when I arrived by someone from the army, and so I dutifully complied. Taking orders already, I though, by the end of the day I'll be marching, shouting and using terms like "collateral damage".

The recruitment office is a great place for people watching, when you're tucked away in a corner with nothing better to do -- nothing better to do aside from occasionally looking at your notes and trying to remember the names of different aircraft and where they are based. There was a promotional video showing -- as there is in these places, practically on a loop -- and I could see the backs of the heads of three people. It annoyed me I couldn't see any more of them as I was dying to know how they were reacting to the video which was all jump cuts and flashing images and made life in the army look very exciting. When the video finished the three people stood up. Two of them I was surprised to see, since they were middle-aged and didn't seem the "type" to be considering such a career. The man made some comment to the woman he was with about wishing he was 20 years younger. Then it dawned on me. These middle aged people were a couple, accompanying their young teenaged son. The boy didn't say anything I could hear, but from what I could gather it seemed to be along the lines of "that looks good, I have no further questions". I hoped his parents would take him home and make sure he fully understood everything and that the promotional video was about as objective as a party political broadcast in China. The kid looked dumber than a bag of hammers. Not that there's anything wrong with that, a vocational career could well be the best thing to happen to him -- and to learn a trade in the armed forces better still.

I was kept waiting for almost an hour altogether, although I was greeted properly before this and told the wait was because they hadn't been told of another interviewee coming earlier. I thought this was pretty shoddy organisational skills for the armed forces, they should have synchronised watches or whatever it is they do to prevent these sorts of things.

When eventually I was lead to an interview room I was presented with my previously completed application form and informed that they needed more information or corrections in some places. There were several questions where it would say "if applicable" and ask you in such a circumstance to answer a question, like about how long you had been married or if you were currently sectioned on a mental health order. Since it wasn't applicable, I had skipped these questions -- but the answer they didn't tell you about beforehand was that in these circumstances everything had to be answered "n/a", so they didn't think you'd just missed the question. It's good to know that HR departments are the same for whatever job you want to do. I was also called upon to provide more details of extra-curricular activity for when I was at school 10 years ago, and provide dates for how long I have enjoyed reading as a pasttime. Since I was able to read, I would imagine, and before that I liked to be read to. I still do, actually, and sometimes if I'm alone and really enjoying the way something is written, I read it out loud, to increase my enjoyment.

Finally, after waiting to be seen then providing extensive details, we got to move on to the interview itself. A lot of it was like the application form, with an unhealthy interest in what I did at school and what I liked to do in my spare time when I was 16. I had to explain that while now I list things like surfing, snowboarding and rock climbing among my interests, at school the list wouldn't have stretched much beyond reading. Certain things I felt counted against me -- a lack of involvement in youth organisations, a desire during my time in education to avoid positions of responsibility, and that damn Duke of Edinburgh's award that I never finished. That last one was a pretty stupid move on my part -- I got the bronze award, I got the silver award. I started the gold award, almost froze to death on Dartmoor, spent a week hiking and camping in the Black Mountains in Wales, and even spent a week renovating a canal in the midlands -- which involved an unfortunate accident between a brick and my hand. But I never completed the other parts of the award because I went to university and was more interested in drinking and girls. I should have completed the bloody thing, but I didn't.

I was asked some questions I wasn't expecting. Like how her majesty's armed forces have a fairly relaxed position about drug and substance abuse, so long as it isn't a current problem for you. And did I have any such problems? I assured them no, and was asked if I had ever had any contact with drugs. Sure, some contact with them, I said, but I'd personally never indulged myself. They then asked me what I thought about such things generally. Totally not a question I was expecting, and I expect my libertarian soul shone through at this point when I effectively said it was none of my damn business what someone else chooses to do in the privacy of their own home.

I was also asked some probing questions about Iraq and Afghanistan. I was asked to explain the reasons for the invasion of Iraq -- try talking about weapons of mass destruction without being sarcastic, it's not easy. I think I did a reasonable job of it, explaining how we had every reason to believe there were WMD, and Iraq was being uncooperative, so there was little choice left. Why did I think we were still there, they asked me, since no WMD had been found? I explained that Iraq was a very volatile situation and to leave it now would risk it descending further into violence and civil war and most likely falling into the control of war lords. I said I believed in such a situation it could end up becoming an Islamic theocracy, and could potentially destabilise the whole gulf region. I was asked similarly about Afghanistan -- we invaded, the Taliban was removed from power, why are we still there? I don't personally think we should be there, but I also don't think it is the solider's job to question this, just as it isn't the policeman's job to question the legitimacy of the law. He might personally think that cannabis should be legalised, but he can't let that affect his application of the law. Of course, I didn't say any of that.

I was quizzed about my understanding of the job, and of the officer selection process, and about various aircraft -- and that was it. I'd been there about 3 hours by this point, and they invited me to stay around a while longer while they gave me feedback and told me what their personal recommendation would be regarding my progression. I thought it over, and told them thanks but no, ta -- I was racking up a tidy sum in parking charges (since I foolishly had parked in the "short stay", not expecting to be more than 2 hours), and they were going to put it in the post to me anyway.

I didn't have to wait long. By the middle of the week I had a formal letter following my formal interview, telling me quite formally than I wasn't going to be progressing any further with my application this time -- but that in a year's time I would be welcome to reapply, if I so desired.

This rejection can join the ranks of the rejections I received for all the bar manager jobs I applied for (including the graduate training schemes), every journalist job I ever applied or was interviewed for, and of course every last permanent PR job I went for -- not to mention any freelance job I actually interviewed for.

I can justify it all quite well. My heart wasn't really in it, as we saw before, and so when I should have been cramming about attack aircraft I was blogging instead, and I had so many questions. I don't think anyone other than my Dad and my therapist ever really thought joining the armed forces was a great idea for me -- many lovely people were supportive of it, if it was something I wanted, and many agreed that the discipline and security would do me good. I expect the competition for places for a nice, tidy admin job in the air force would have been stiff -- competition for officers places even more so.

I'm not broken hearted about it, but I do feel a bit like the people who said I couldn't do it were right.

The Movie Meme

By now, you should know the drill from where you've seen it everywhere else -- be the first to guess the films and get a prize. And no cheating, God's watching. 04/04/08 -- because I'm generous, I'll now give clues for those remaining

1 -This is not 'nam this is bowling, there are rules.
The Big Lebowski correctly guessed by Mez!

2 -Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy: now that's fun.
(2nd quote) -They're all dead, they just don't know it yet.
The Crow, correctly guessed by Jamie!

3 -How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
- I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
(2nd quote) -- Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
- Except for the moustache.
Mallrats, correctly guessed by Mez!

4 -When you go on like this, you know what you sound like?
- I sound like a sensible fucking man, is what I sound like.
(2nd quote) -Would you give a guy a foot massage?
Pulp Fiction, correctly guessed by Jamie!

5 -I see the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.
(2nd quote) -I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.
Fight Club, correctly guessed by Jamie!

6 -I always thought it'd be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody
The Talented Mr Ripley, correctly guessed by Aurore!

7 -Smile you son of a BITCH
(2nd quote) -Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.
Jaws, correctly guessed by Jamie!

8 -I don't like your manners.
- And I'm not crazy about yours. I didn't ask to see you. I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings.
(2nd quote) -My, my, my! Such a lot of guns around town and so few brains! You know, you're the second guy I've met today that seems to think a gat in the hand means the world by the tail.

9 -CAN WE PLEASE... JUST CALM... THE FUCK... DOWN!
Shaun of the Dead, correctly guessed by Mez!

10 -How can you be a drug addict in the new millennium? Drugs are so retro.
- Before I became a drug addict, I had so many problems. Now I just have one - Drugs! It's given my life real focus.
(2nd quote) -Power to the people who punish bad cinema!

11 -Have you ever transcended space and time?
- Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.
I Heart Huckabees, correctly guessed by Jac!

12 -What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
High Fidelity, correctly guessed by Jac!

13 -I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot".
From Dusk Till Dawn, correctly guessed by Dune!

14 -Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?
Lost in Translation, correctly guessed by Jac!

15 -Marriage is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you're not a homo; married guy seems more stable; people see the ring, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; ladies see the ring, they know immediately you must have some cash or your cock must work.
(2nd quote) -Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you

16 -So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Zoolander, correctly guessed by Mez!

17 -I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Clerks, correctly guessed by Mez!

18 -Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool.
(2nd quote) -I haven't killed anybody since 1984.

19 -No, you *couldn't* just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Assfuck Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get fucked in the ass all the time?
-Well, that's pretty naughty.
(2nd quote) -How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
Orgazmo, correctly guessed by Jamie!

20 -We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, correctly guessed by Mez!

Update: the results
#8: The Big Sleep -- a classic film noir starring Humphrey Bogart, and a loose basis for The Big Lebowski. #10: Cecil B. Demented -- how anyone could have overlooked this film is beyond me. #15: The Departed -- a gangster film on par with Goodfellas and Donnie Brasco, you should all be ashamed for not recognising the quotes (although granted it's not the most quote-worthy of films). #18: True Romance -- set partly in Detroit, so Jamie really should have known it -- also a classic Tarantino-penned movie, with award-worthy performances.

The commenter with the first to get the most right was Mez, who got a grand total of six correct answers. I know many of you could possibly have rivalled or beaten this, if you had only come here sooner -- so let that be a lesson to you all.