I can't tell you why

Last night I dreamed about Fiona. I don't think I wrote here about how I met up with her a few days before I came back home.

I'd said after my entry "Here it ends" that I wouldn't bother with her again, since she didn't appear to want to remain friends. Perhaps I haven't stuck to it as much as I should have done, since I asked her at the time why she was being cagey about meeting up with me, and have since answered any emails from her -- although not instigated any.

So I was of course surprised when I got an email of her asking if I wanted to meet up. I did want to see her, but tried to make my reply as casual as possible -- rather than "I would love to see you" I told her "I think I would like to meet up". The fact alone that I had to deliberately phrase my reply suggests that I have feelings still for her. So we met up, and she was just the same as ever. A few years older, a little wiser perhaps, and a little more grown up than the 15 year old I met one day in June, nearly 5 years ago.

We didn't spend long together, since a friend of hers had arranged for them to go to the cinema, but we had a few drinks and talked about everything. I learned my lesson last time around and didn't tell her I loved her or that I wanted her back, although we did talk a little about us. She mentioned how it has taken her three years to get over me -- although there was a slip where she said something like she was getting over, rather than was over me, but I choose not to jump on that. She told me that she had felt the same way about me, last time, although that annoyed me more than anything since she refused to consider me at the time, or since. Sure, it was probably the best decision -- but she could have been honest about how she felt. How she feels now I don't know, and don't care to ask. I don't much entertain my lingering feelings -- they obviously aren't the same feelings I once had, and even if they were there can be only heart ache for one or both of us to act on it.

I haven't heard anything from her since then. I've come to believe that I have the wrong telephone number for her, and she probably hasn't had the chance to read her email. I'm not reading too much into it, I can't see any reason why she would ignore me deliberately now.

All the same, last night I dreamed of her. As you might expect, the dream involved us sleeping together -- it wasn't a sex dream, it wasn't focused on or even actually feature the sex itself. Just that we had done. There was no great revelations, no extremes of emotion one way or the other. Most of the dream featured us wandering around her university campus -- not arm in arm, or hand in hand, in fact I can't remember how we were at all -- but remembering it now, the place clearly seemed more like a movie studio than her university.

I think I woke up from the dream with us in her bedroom. I had to leave to get something or find something at my own flat, and invited her to come with me. I don't know if I had an ulterior motive, or just hoped for something to happen. Either way, she said she wouldn't go. I asked her if she didn't trust me, or words to that effect, and she said that was true.

I don't know what to really make of the dream. I would blame the novel I'm reading at the moment, Don De Lillo's Americana, where the protagonist sleeps with his ex wife -- but I am sure that there was no hint this was going to happen in the story before I read it today. I don't know what the dream was trying to say at all.