A bed beneath the stars that shine

Before anything else, my heartfelt thanks to everyone who left comments or emailed me to offer comfort, condolences, concern or advice. It means a lot to me that you would care about someone you've never met and -- more than likely -- will never meet.

I apologise for my lack of updates just recently, truth be told there hasn't been much to say. I don't want to speak to soon and jinx it, but I am feeling better this week. I could speculate about a variety of possible reasons why -- perhaps there's a change in air pressure, maybe work is treating me better this week, could be the cumulative effect of listening to my self hypnosis CD or maybe it's as simple as a subtle chemical change.


Thursday night on the train I managed to lose my favourite jacket and the hoody I'd been given at work and worn almost every day since. I put them both on the overhead rack, and was in such a hurry to get off the train when I got back -- since it was late -- that I left them there. Strangely, the various people I called in lost property were all incredibly friendly and helpful -- in contrast to the girl working in the lost property office in the station in London. Her English was limited and she seemed to have an attitude that asking after my lost items was ruining her day. I'm told it can takeas long as 10 days for lost items on the train to migrate into London, and I don't know who would want to keep my jacket.

A battered, beige corduroy jacket. The cuffs were slightly frayed, it was almost impossible to keep clean and was missing buttons. Doesn't exactly sound like the find of a lifetime. I liked it though, it was a sort of birthday present years ago from the Mambo store in Islington and is one of the very few items I have ever been able to afford there. I have since put up an "item wanted" listing on ebay for a replacement, and even emailed the Mambo european head office.

Friday evening I got home from work, sat on my bed and cried. I haven't cried in forever, and I don't even know what it was I was crying about on Friday. I was just at the very limit of my ability to cope, so it's perhaps fortunate it was Friday. I refused invitations to go out with my friends -- perhaps unwise, since it's when I most want to be left alone that I least should be -- and even over Saturday and Sunday there was no marked improvement. It was commented over dinner with family on Sunday that I would speak only to be sarcastic.

Then at some point Sunday night I decided that things were going to change. I was going to be more proactive, harder working and realise that a job is just a job. I don't know if it's the right career for me, but nobody says I have to stay in it if I don't want to. San says she has decided she is going to go teach English in Japan -- like Tom -- and I got to thinking maybe I could do something similar in central or South America. But it always raises the question: what then? I could quit this job, work in something with an actual wage and then disappear off, but it always comes back to the same point. Right now I am better off staying in what I am doing and where I am.

Just the same, for now I am OK, and I again thank everyone for their concern and well-wishes. I'm not yet out of the woods, but I don't think I necessarily will ever be. You just have to do the best you can.