She never loved me, why should anyone

It's funny, it's the little things you aren't expecting that can really knock you off course. Things with San as far as I was concerned were fine. The San situation was over, there was no situation to speak of, I was over it and over her.

I was talking to her yesterday, after she'd been away for something like a week in Egypt with her new boyfriend, or whatever he is. I've stopped caring, and I've stopped asking. One evening towards the end of last week I got a text message from San, telling me she'd been quad biking through the desert canyons at dusk. She said it had reminded her of me and the thesis I wrote on the wilderness. At the time I think I replied with something along the lines of "it sounds cool", but what I thought was "where was this girl when I was dating you?".

So yesterday we were talking and I was doing the polite thing and asking about her holiday. I made mention to her scuba diving and quad biking and said what I had been thinking before. San then mentioned she was going skiing in the new year, again with new boyfriend person. At first I laughed it off -- the thought of her skiing, after she was always so against the idea of winter sports because it would be cold and she could hurt herself. But no, she was serious.

Strangely, I felt -- feel -- more annoyed than anything else. I asked her why she would never have gone with me, "You never invited me" she said. I never got the chance to go myself while we were still dating, but she was always against it when I mentioned it. Perhaps she thinks I should have taken her when I went snowboarding this year, when we weren't even going out.

It's not that I'm annoyed she's doing these things with someone new and not me -- I could really care less what she does, or with whom -- but I'm annoyed that with me she wouldn't so much as sit on the grass. And yet when I ask her why she wouldn't do things like that with me she makes out like I wouldn't take her.

She's said before that I spoiled her, that I let her get away with too much or take advantage. I let her be a princess; she took the idea and ran with it.

I spent the last couple of days uploading and backdating posts from my old diary, and it gave me an interesting perspective on our relationship was. At the time I thought it was important we'd get back together every time we broke up, San thought it was more significant we kept breaking up. Now I'm not so sure who was right.

What her new relationship is like I don't know, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that while we were together we -- or at least I -- could never afford to do these things, I couldn't afford to take her out to expensive restaurants or west end shows or lend her money for foreign holidays. It would be unkind and very unfair to suggest that these things were more important to her than being with me, but sometimes it can feel like it.

This isn't a "I miss her" post, or an "I want her back" train of thought. I'm just pissed off about it, and I can't exactly explain why.