Shopping and societal reforms

Like most right-thinking young men I hate shopping. I hate shopping, I detest crowds, and I have nothing but contempt for modern shopping centres. When I want a new pair of jeans, however, I'm left with very little other choice. I did look on ebay first, but when the appearance and fit is so important one has to resign one's self to leaving the house and having contact with other human beings.

I don't know how long this particular abomination has been in existence or how far widespread but what I saw yesterday sickened me. Trainers with little wheels in the heels, I think Sketchers. At first I thought it was cute, and if anything might get kids to take more exercise -- but then I saw what really happened. One kid was being literally towed by her Mum. She was just leaning back and having her Mum tow her along. While it may be a good workout for a parent to be dragging their child around all day, it's not good parenting.

I'd like to propose some changes to our society.

Firstly, I want to introduce wolves into our shopping centres. Yes, wolves. They will eat lazy or unruly children, and keep crowds to a minimum.

In a similar vein, I would like to reintroduce large predators to our towns and suburbs. Cougars and other similar big cats would be ideal, they would control crowds (especially if we could keep the percentage of predators in line with the people population), also reduce anti-social behaviour such as loitering and jogging. Since our schools have been turned into mini-fortresses to protect against "The Paedophile Menace", so long as they are in school our children won't be eaten by leopards.

However, kids that leave school to go the chip shop at lunch time will take their lives into their own hands. Parents who try to deliver fast food to the children through the school gates will also be open to attack by marauding lions. If they don't want healthy school dinners, they will risk being an afternoon snack themselves.

Other measures against anti-social behaviour, including the spread of the chav in our towns and cities, will be packs of ostriches. These will be replacing the current PCSOs, who only have the power to raise their voice to criminals and ask them politely to stop it. Ostriches are notoriously bad tempered and aggressive -- not unlike chavs -- and there will now be violent pecking of the Burberry-clad morons who sit on the church wall and drink cider.

I would also like to propose a motion to encourage phone sex in public. We need to move with the times, people have busy lives and don't have the time or patience for elaborate courting rituals -- like paying for her cinema ticket in the hope of a shag -- and would rather skip the mess of actually having sex with another person, in person. The unprecedented growth of MySpace has led to an exponential rise of phone sex -- after all, it's the next level of commitment after one-handed typing.

But it needn't be a taboo, so I feel we should have a national advertising campaign encouraging phone sex in public -- on the bus, commuters on the tube, in the queue for the checkout. All of these times when you might be bored and waiting, you could be talking filth down the phone to someone who probably has a face like the back end of a bus.

And in other news, I found a perfect pair of jeans and got them ridiculously cheap in the sale. The jeans look great, however I look a mess. Now taking paypal donations towards a gym membership.