Spamusement

Do you ever look at your spam emails? I think there's something very weird going on in there.

Generally speaking, as a rule, it's a good idea not to open any spam emails. Often they can contain scripts to alert the sender they have been opened, and that your account is active: giving them the big green GO sign to send more. Not to mention they could contain potentially various other nastiness, and the fact that you probably don't want to enlarge your penis or buy dodgy Viagra.

There was a time when I noticed text hidden in spam emails. If you opened the emails in a normal web-browser, all appeared normal -- but if you tried to view them in something that didn't support html, you saw something completely different. It seems that in an effort to subvert spam filters, these emails would contain large blocks of text -- extracts from Moby Dick, random, rambling sentences repeating themselves like a surrealist poem. I think somewhere in the dungeons of my blog here I've talked about it before, and posted extracts. Go take a look now, I'll wait for you here.

Back? Good. These days I don't open the emails -- and largely give no more thought to it than telling Gmail to delete all messages, without more than a cursory glance to check that a long-lost love has contacted me and been mistaken for a spammer. The other day, though, I was bored waiting for a train, and took the time to read down the list of senders and subjects.

What I am wondering is if these emails are targeted directly at me, if they have somehow found their way to me though other sites I have frequented, or if they are just following traditional themes of humanity. What I am wondering is if spam is controlled by the eddying currents of the universe?

I'm particularly interested that today when I look at my spam folder there is an email entitled "top notch gift ideas here". How did they know it's my Mum's birthday coming up and I was stuck for gift ideas? For that matter, my Dad and brother are reportedly also not exactly brimming with ideas. Perhaps it's just a safe bet, a bit like with horoscopes -- if you mention that you are trying to think of gift ideas, even if you weren't before you start wondering if you should be. Even if there's not a birthday, perhaps Mother's Day is coming up (if you're a silly country who has it on a different date to England), or it could be Father's Day, or a birthday, or a maybe a friend needs cheering up, or you are reminded that you haven't bought a gift for your partner in a while and it would be a nice surprise. Can anyone here say that there is nothing in their foreseeable future that might require a gift?

As for sex and dating, that's probably a given. You might be in a happy relationship, spending many nights (or days) putting into practice the yoga positions you have learned -- but there's nothing like sowing a little doubt in minds of men. "This will allow you have more happy nights with your girls!" reads one email subject, while others use the only phrase men fear more than "long term commitment" -- erectile dysfunction. It could be that you are in the absolute prime of your health, you get plenty of sleep, don't eat too much red meat or saturated fat, you exercise regularly (be it bedroom gymnastics, police dog training or just something more mundane) and you are happy, content and relaxed. Why would you ever need to worry about erectile dysfunction? But the doubt is there now. You might. You're not getting any younger... And of course, a worry itself can be a cause just as much as anything else. Even if you had never thought about it before, you might do now that it's been brought up.

If you aren't in a relationship (in whatever context you deem necessary) then there's plenty for you, ranging from <3 <3 <3 <3 Get A Date! <3 <3 and Meet Your Soulmate!, for those who might be actively looking but not finding, to the more insidious "You REALLY need to find someone special. Seriously." which I think almost shames you into admitting you aren't happy. It's like if someone said "You REALLY need to brush your teeth. Seriously" even if you had never given it any thought before, you will now be asking yourself what's wrong with your gnashers.

Other than that, of course there are dozens of emails offering money; "Get rich quick!" screams one email, while another I don't understand instructs me to "Turn GOLD into CASH". Surely if I had gold bars lying about, cluttering up the place, I wouldn't be too concerned about turning them into cash? And I don't think the chunky gold-plated jewellery from Argos that chavs so adore is what they're talking about.

But again, the job emails are like dating and sex -- they make you stop. They tell you that nurses are in demand, ask if you've thought of becoming a cop? Maybe these don't appeal to you, so there's lots of "work from home!" suggestions, along with more off the wall ideas that might appeal to people who read spam emails -- things like "massage therapist" or a career in culinary arts. Doesn't that sound more interesting than what you are doing? There's jobs for people who like to wear uniforms, jobs for people who don't like to leave the house and even jobs for people who like getting their hands dirty.

If the universe was really trying to tell me something, I'd expect less emails like "Lose weight without trying" (which sounds like having dysentery if you ask me) and in their place emails that would say "Sell your art without having to be any good!" or "Become a musical genius overnight!". Emails that simply say ____________cars_________ in the subject don't do a lot for me. Although, now you mention it, I would like a new car, with power steering, and air conditioning, and a CD player that doesn't skip.....Maybe I had better read that email.