For all my Aussie friends

For all my Aussie friends -- and to the girl especially, who is forsaking her great Southern land on a daily basis to live with me in gloomy old London town:

(this ad makes me laugh so much, it's so cheesy)

 Happy 'Straya Day!

Are we all narcissists now?

Friday night was a break from the usual fare in London for me. I was invited to a Philosophy meetup by a trusted colleague of mine.

The topic was on the role narcissism has in our lives today, looking in particular at how the modern sense of self is constructed in cyberspace and asking "are we all narcissists now"? Being completely self-absorbed, I was sure this topic was all about me.

I've seen some feedback since from people commenting there was too much psychological theory and wasn't enough philosophy, but I really enjoyed it. I will readily admit I didn't understand all of the psychoanalytic theory about childhood development, but was mainly interested in how narcissism relates to cyberspace.

After the talk, there was a Q&A which quite quickly turned into group discussion -- the discussion was meant to follow afterwards, but I think after a couple of glasses of wine some people couldn't help themselves.

What was interesting to me was that earlier that day I had interviewed for a new job in an online PR and social marketing role -- if only the interview had followed the talk, I could have had some interesting points to raise. In particular, what fascinated me on the night was how people of my parents' generation view the internet and social media.

Of course, there was the usual line "young people spend too much time in front of computers and don't get out enough", and some discussion sparked by a man who said his nieces post endless pictures of themselves on Facebook -- pictures in which they are rarely doing anything at all. Was this young people emulating celebrities who are constantly being "papped"? Was it just them copying their peers?

What made me think was the suggestion that Facebook "friends" are not an indication of real life friends, as one woman described it these people won't come round and make you a cup of tea if you have the flu. To be honest, I don't think anyone I know offline, with the exception of the girl -- would ever make me hot drinks or bring me soup if I was sick. Maybe if I had come out of hospital, or had a serious illness, but other than that I doubt anyone much would notice. However, I think that many people I know online if they knew I wasn't well would at least offer sympathy.

To suggest that online friendships are somehow inferior to people we know physically, in person, in real life, I think is a fallacy. The girl recently spent a week making a quilt for a fellow blogger's new baby. I have personally exchanged greeting cards with many bloggers and sent them postcards when I have been away, yet don't do the same for some real life friends. I think not having met someone doesn't make them in any way less of a friendship. Before the internet, I was nerdy enough to have penpals. Although I have long since lost touch with all of them, I still think at the time it was reasonable to call at least some of them friends.

I don't know the statistic for online friends and how many you can actually actively sustain. Granted, not everyone I know on Facebook I would call a friend -- but they all pass the "pub test": if they asked me, would I be willing to meet them in real life for a friendly drink. At least once. If the answer is no, they don't make the list. So there's an old boss of mine, who gave me work when I really needed it -- and probably still would now. There's guys I snowboarded with in France one year. There are people with whom my only connection is I have read their blog and they have possibly visited mine, out of politeness. But I still think every one of them counts as a real connection.

Blogging is essentially narcissistic. Even if you aren't a personal blogger, you are either presuming that anyone else would want to read what you write, or you are gazing into it -- like narcissus into a pond, perhaps.

I am no better than anyone else, and possibly slightly worse than most. I am incredibly self involved. I have been writing online since I was 18 -- that will be 12 years this summer. And even -- like with this blog -- I get almost no encouragement to keep writing, I still do it. I can't maintain a paper diary on a regular basis, but on the internet I pour my heart out for decades at a time.

Oddly, though, I have such terrible self image issues I can hardly bear to see myself -- literally, see pictures of myself. I almost never post pictures of myself here, not out of privacy concerns but because I hate the sight of myself. I will often "untag" pictures people post of me on Facebook, and some days I can hardly stand to see my own reflection -- which is worse than a photograph, since it looks at me with disgust or contempt.

Despite this, if I can't see myself I am incredibly vain. I text messages to the radio station while I am cooking -- just to have whatever fake name I use mentioned on air. They usually don't read the message out, but it's satisfaction enough to know if it amuses the DJ.

Maybe the internet is worse for giving people unrealistic expectations. It used to be, ordinary people would only ever be spotted in the street to be a model or maybe actor -- or very occasionally heard singing and given a record deal. Now you can get a book deal by Tweeting shit your Dad says (which usually amuses me), or a record deal based on songs recorded in your bedroom and posted on MySpace. You can get a book deal from your blog. So many people are chasing these dreams, and taking it personally when it doesn't happen to them.

Does cyberspace make us all narcissists? I don't think it does. I don't think "young people" who post pictures of themselves are doing it because they love themselves, and I don't necessarily think the more friends (or readers/followers) you have online necessarily equals a higher ego. Just more connections.

If anyone reads this -- I'd love to hear your thoughts, but to give you some idea on what, I guess some questions would be helpful:
1) Are "online" friends lesser than "real life" friends? Why, or why not?
2) Since you're on the internet, are you a narcissist?
3)Does cyberspace make us all narcissists?

Concerns on the implications of frozen pizza

The recent disappearance and sad demise of Joanna Yates has led me to ponder many things, not necessarily directly related to the case.

And speaking of cases, similar ponderings arose following the unusual death of the MI6 agent found dead in a holdall in his own flat.

In the days that followed the disappearance of Joanna Yates one piece of information seemed to be repeated with almost reverance in every report I came across: she had bought a Tesco Finest mozarella cheese, tomato and pesto pizza. Not she had bought a pizza, or a cheese and tomato pizza, but how specific the description always was. Even today in news reports there seems to be an odd focus on the pizza.

As a former (read: failed) journalist, I understand the need for details. I get how your editor wants to know every. single. last. fact. in. detail. I get how if your report of the baby choking death on a tree ornament on Christmas eve covers every detail other than the colour of the bauble, you will be expected to call the grieving parents to ask: was the ball red or green. I'm not sure I understand the need to constantly repeat this detail as if it was some vital piece of information.

But what bothers me now is when after the pub, I stop by Tesco on my way home and buy a pizza. I worry. What if something happens to me. What if I go missing. What if the one piece of information that is constantly repeated about me is that I bought a pepperoni pizza. Not a Tesco Finest pizza. Not a Pizza Express pizza, even though they were on half price, but instead he bought a basic pizza. And a bottle of beer. If I bought more than one bottle, would it be speculated I planned to share the bottles, or just that I had a drink problem? You can end up thinking too much about these things.

As for the "suitcase spy". Yes, he was found dead in a bag in his own flat with no evidence of foul play -- other than that he couldn't have locked himself in a bag. This is an outstanding angle. And there was always going to be salacious or malicious gossip about his sexual preference. But what bothered me was how bad the pictures were of him, in the early days of the investigation.

If you are going to die an unusual death, or go missing in a high profile case (no pun intended) make sure there aren't any embarassing or just plain bad photos of you that might be used in news reports. That photo of you with Y-fronts on your head and pencils up your nose might end up being the one used in all the newspapers. Take the time, get some professional modelling shots done -- just to be on the safe side.

And only buy takeaways that say positive things about you, rather than a 6 pack of special brew and a copy of Razzle.

2010: a year in review

I just went back into my archives to see what I said last January about the year ahead.  Did I make resolutions, or just plans and aspirations?  Did I achieve anything I set out to?

I wanted 2010 to be a year of continued adventure, having trekked to Machu Picchu and visited Australia in 2009.  A much-anticipated trip to Barcelona was cancelled when an Icelandic volcano filled UK airspacewith ash clouds and made it a no-fly zone for several days.  When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your damn lemons.  The girl and I were not prepared to just go to work when we had been looking forward to a holiday, so we bundled into my car and set off on an inpromptu road trip to the south coast of the UK and beyond.  We surfed in Devon, we visited friends and their children, we befriended dogs in a remote hotel in Dartmoor and had an adventure just the same.

We provisionally rescheduled our Barcelona trip for the Autumn -- but in the end cancelled it voluntarily in honour of an even bigger adventure because a friend and blogger was getting married in style at a swanky resort in Bali.   Never having been to Indonesia before, the girl and I emptied our savings accounts, pockets, wallets, and hearts and booked an adventure in Bali -- to follow a short break in Western Australia to visit family once again.

In between trips around the UK and trips to the other side of the world, the girl and I undertook our biggest adventure yet -- and moved into a flat in London's Docklands.  

We said we would do it in 2010, and I like to think that we made it look easy -- our first trip to look at flats, we found the one we wanted on the second viewing.  We just decided there and then it would be where we were going to live.  Several months on, we're still very happy with the place and haven't ever regretted that we didn't look around at more properties.

There were things I wanted to achieve in 2010, that I said weren't resolutions because it didn't matter about January 1st.  I wanted to learn to snowboard properly, rock climb without supervision, and get into shape.

So how did I fair?  I completed my rock climbing course...but didn't get around to taking a safety test.  I told myself it was because I didn't have anybody to climb with, and not living in London at the time I wasn't any use to anyone who wanted a climbing buddy.  It wasn't until I went climbing again with my work colleagues, found I was still good at it, still enjoyed it, and I was encouraged by the staff at the climbing centre to take my test so I could climb on my own.

I spent a week doing what I should have done months earlier -- practicing tieing knots, watching tutorial videos and generally preparing.  I took the test and failed.  There was a very crucial part I had forgotten, and having used a different sort of belay device the week before, failed to even spot what was missing.  I have realised since that I now need to take the course again before I am ready to take a test, but my plan is to recruit a colleague to join in with me so I have a ready-made climbing buddy.  It's January already, so I need to pull my finger out on this one or else I'll get left behind.  Again.

As for snowboarding properly...  Unlike many other years, I did go snowboarding.  In December.  I received an activity gift card as a Christmas present from work in 2009, and only in December did I get around to redeeming it against a snowboarding lesson.  Did I learn a whole lot?  Not really.  I could already carve up a storm on my heel-edge of the board, but I made some progress with the toe-edge, which is what has eluded me so far.  But I enjoyed it, and I improved, definitely, and will make a point to go again in the near future.  I think we can tick this one off, if only because I took a class and made some progress.

Did I get into a shape that isn't round?  Not even close.  If anything, I am probably more unfit than I was this time last year -- I failed to join a gym or take any kind of regular exercise.  There is a free gym to use in my apartment building, but it doesn't open early enough for me to go there before work in the mornings, and I've never had the motivation to go when I get home.  There's no excuse, I have easy-access to a swimming pool near my work and a fitness centre right next door -- I have just been lazy, and this Christmas has left me more out of shape than ever before.  Technically, my BMI still scores as healthy -- but I know this is only because it can't calculate what percentage of my weight is fat and not muscle.  I still fully intend to sign up for the Husky Dog Sledding charity expedition when dates are announced for 2012, which I am relying on giving me the motivation to get and stay fit -- but in the meantime, I just have to chalk this one up as a total fail for 2010, and start now to make sure 2011 doesn't go the same way.

On the other hand, in 2010 I did manage to get some surfing lessons in -- so that gives me a bonus point as I am now capable of jumping to my feet on a board.  More lessons will have to follow in 2011.

Goals for this year ahead then? Continue with snowboarding and surfing lessons.  Take rock climbing lessons again, with the aim of recruiting a climbing buddy and taking my safety test.  Following on from my guest post on Andy's blog, I also am committed to learning Spanish this year, and breaking out of my rusty cage to create a new career for myself...