2010: a year in review

I just went back into my archives to see what I said last January about the year ahead.  Did I make resolutions, or just plans and aspirations?  Did I achieve anything I set out to?

I wanted 2010 to be a year of continued adventure, having trekked to Machu Picchu and visited Australia in 2009.  A much-anticipated trip to Barcelona was cancelled when an Icelandic volcano filled UK airspacewith ash clouds and made it a no-fly zone for several days.  When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your damn lemons.  The girl and I were not prepared to just go to work when we had been looking forward to a holiday, so we bundled into my car and set off on an inpromptu road trip to the south coast of the UK and beyond.  We surfed in Devon, we visited friends and their children, we befriended dogs in a remote hotel in Dartmoor and had an adventure just the same.

We provisionally rescheduled our Barcelona trip for the Autumn -- but in the end cancelled it voluntarily in honour of an even bigger adventure because a friend and blogger was getting married in style at a swanky resort in Bali.   Never having been to Indonesia before, the girl and I emptied our savings accounts, pockets, wallets, and hearts and booked an adventure in Bali -- to follow a short break in Western Australia to visit family once again.

In between trips around the UK and trips to the other side of the world, the girl and I undertook our biggest adventure yet -- and moved into a flat in London's Docklands.  

We said we would do it in 2010, and I like to think that we made it look easy -- our first trip to look at flats, we found the one we wanted on the second viewing.  We just decided there and then it would be where we were going to live.  Several months on, we're still very happy with the place and haven't ever regretted that we didn't look around at more properties.

There were things I wanted to achieve in 2010, that I said weren't resolutions because it didn't matter about January 1st.  I wanted to learn to snowboard properly, rock climb without supervision, and get into shape.

So how did I fair?  I completed my rock climbing course...but didn't get around to taking a safety test.  I told myself it was because I didn't have anybody to climb with, and not living in London at the time I wasn't any use to anyone who wanted a climbing buddy.  It wasn't until I went climbing again with my work colleagues, found I was still good at it, still enjoyed it, and I was encouraged by the staff at the climbing centre to take my test so I could climb on my own.

I spent a week doing what I should have done months earlier -- practicing tieing knots, watching tutorial videos and generally preparing.  I took the test and failed.  There was a very crucial part I had forgotten, and having used a different sort of belay device the week before, failed to even spot what was missing.  I have realised since that I now need to take the course again before I am ready to take a test, but my plan is to recruit a colleague to join in with me so I have a ready-made climbing buddy.  It's January already, so I need to pull my finger out on this one or else I'll get left behind.  Again.

As for snowboarding properly...  Unlike many other years, I did go snowboarding.  In December.  I received an activity gift card as a Christmas present from work in 2009, and only in December did I get around to redeeming it against a snowboarding lesson.  Did I learn a whole lot?  Not really.  I could already carve up a storm on my heel-edge of the board, but I made some progress with the toe-edge, which is what has eluded me so far.  But I enjoyed it, and I improved, definitely, and will make a point to go again in the near future.  I think we can tick this one off, if only because I took a class and made some progress.

Did I get into a shape that isn't round?  Not even close.  If anything, I am probably more unfit than I was this time last year -- I failed to join a gym or take any kind of regular exercise.  There is a free gym to use in my apartment building, but it doesn't open early enough for me to go there before work in the mornings, and I've never had the motivation to go when I get home.  There's no excuse, I have easy-access to a swimming pool near my work and a fitness centre right next door -- I have just been lazy, and this Christmas has left me more out of shape than ever before.  Technically, my BMI still scores as healthy -- but I know this is only because it can't calculate what percentage of my weight is fat and not muscle.  I still fully intend to sign up for the Husky Dog Sledding charity expedition when dates are announced for 2012, which I am relying on giving me the motivation to get and stay fit -- but in the meantime, I just have to chalk this one up as a total fail for 2010, and start now to make sure 2011 doesn't go the same way.

On the other hand, in 2010 I did manage to get some surfing lessons in -- so that gives me a bonus point as I am now capable of jumping to my feet on a board.  More lessons will have to follow in 2011.

Goals for this year ahead then? Continue with snowboarding and surfing lessons.  Take rock climbing lessons again, with the aim of recruiting a climbing buddy and taking my safety test.  Following on from my guest post on Andy's blog, I also am committed to learning Spanish this year, and breaking out of my rusty cage to create a new career for myself...

Jupiter in space agencies' sights

I've been teh suck and not updated nearly enough recently.

I can report that my recent foray into not taking medication has ended. That is, after relying instead on vigorous exercise and strength of character, I have given and gone back. I was beginning to feel decidedly shit and unable to cope at times, so I decided enough was enough. Since I have restarted I still have my moments: short spells of despair, almost sickening bouts of worry and anxiety, but overall I am much better off. We have to admit that there is "something wrong" with me, and really there's no getting around it. It's a little depressing in itself to have to admit it. It might well be a brain 'chemical' thing -- some people are diabetic, or anaemic, and reliant on certain supplements of whatever kind. Perhaps I have a defective brain in a similar sort of way. For the record, I have begun to wonder when I am not taking my medication if previous medical professional diagnoses of bipolar disorder might not have been too wide of the mark. But either way, it doesn't matter.

Also in the news here this week is that despite every intention of leaving my body to medical science -- albeit while I am still very much alive and kicking -- has also met with failure. I was invited to attend a screening for a trial that would have paid me about two grand for my time, trialling a drug for Alzheimer's and ADD. But the time they wanted was about two weeks, and there was no way I could take it off work. This week I discovered that I have no holiday left whatsoever to take this tax year, and only have 13 days available to me to take between April and October. This means most likely that the time I spend in Peru I am going to have to take as unpaid leave -- I can consider that my own charitable contribution.

The obvious drawback of not being able to take part in a clinical drug trial is it is going to be a lot harder to earn money quickly. Possibly less unpleasant, maybe even safer, but more difficult.

I'm still resentful of my car needing £700+ worth of repairs at Christmas. It's no use crying over spilled milk, but I would never have chosen to spend that money frivolously -- not that keeping my car on the road is frivolous. But sometimes I think "I could have bought a great big television with that money, but I wouldn't have" or I think how I could fly to Barcelona and back like 6 times for that amount. Sometimes I go into a record shop just to browse, and I will pause over a CD -- I don't buy myself things often, I'll think. But then the idea of spending the money for no reason makes me feel ill, and I put it back. Like I say -- crying over it (like I did at the time, to my shame) doesn't change a thing, and the girl and I need a car for a whole host of reasons, so it was important. But that doesn't stop me resenting it. Stupid to resent an inanimate object, I know.

Speaking of work and earning money... Dedicated readers who have read my old posts, or longer term followers who have been with me for longer, may remember a post last October when I gleefully announced having got a job. I opened the champagne for dinner with the girl -- a special bottle I had been saving for when I got what I considered a "proper" job, a job that I wanted and wasn't just a stopgap, and that I felt was advancing my career. It was a year's contract, but a bloody good opportunity just the same. We remember? Good.

On Tuesday a notice went out on email to all office staff that there would be a briefing from the MD at 1430 in the conference room. Nobody was sure what it was about, but we were under no illusions: it wasn't going to be good news. I did speculate that perhaps with all the budget cuts and general "credit crunch" doom and gloom they would be announcing that in order to try and cheer up staff and raise morale they would be buying us an office kitten. Shockingly, this was not what the announcement was. In the minutes before the meeting, word got out that there was to be a merger. Nobody was quite sure whether to believe it, or what the details were. I then got blind-copied into an emailed press release from my head of PR. The release was going out to all trade press, announcing the merging of my company and a neighbouring region's.

There was lots of words like cost savings and efficiencies and stream linings, but the important thing to those of us in the office -- and presumably the other region's offices -- is that there are going to be job losses. We expect a lot of the job losses will be higher up -- there will be duplication of various positions, but nobody feels they are safe. We don't know when cuts will be, and we don't even know where this new amalgamated company will be based.

I feel particularly unsettled as my position was only "interim" to begin with. I've had the uncertainty that if the girl whose job I am doing wants to come back after maternity leave, then I would have to find my own way. Now it's impossible to know what will happen to me or to my job, cue random bouts of despair and almost sickening spells of anxiety and worry. I felt very fortunate to get this job, I felt so many times I had been passed over or fallen at the last hurdle when applying for jobs I could do so well -- this to me represented so much. Now I'm afraid it's all going to disappear again.

Up until now, I hadn't been directly or personally too affected by the now-official recession. Fuel costs have fallen by 25%; this meant I had more spare money. VAT was cut: again, more money for me. I was still getting paid the same. But of course it couldn't last forever. I was never unaffected, for months my older brother has been on the brink of bankruptcy -- to the point where my parents have given him all of their savings and more to keep him afloat. Finally he has had to give up ownership of his business, but luckily has escaped bankruptcy. So I was never completely unaffected -- just the same, when it's suddenly your own company, and you and your own colleagues looking at possible redundancy, you feel the impact.

I don't know why I thought I would get away unscathed. I've friends who have been made redundant two or three times in recent years, my own Mum has been made redundant at least twice -- although she usually manages to come back brighter. Which isn't bad for someone with a history of depression themselves.

Anyway. Without ending the post with thoughts of doom, gloom or the like I am pleased to report that having the girl's love and support makes a world of difference, and the next post should really be about valentine's day...

P.S. You haven't missed anything, this post doesn't have anything to do with Jupiter. I was just stuck for a title so I used a news headline.

Action is his reward

I stopped taking my tablets. There usually comes a time about once a year that I decide to go it alone -- that whether or not I feel I need some sort of supplement or whatever, I usually come to some sort of a decision to break free.

This time I've been lucky. The tablets weren't a prescription medication so much as a herbal alternative, and the withdrawal has been much easier and less severe than previous times. I don't know how long these things take to completely leave your bloodstream, but in the past if I've forgotten them for a few days I'd notice a difference, so by now I should be clean.

The reasoning why I've stopped is a little harder to explain.

Since I started this job back in October, I've been on emergency tax, and so been paying out far too much to the Inland Revenue. As a result of this and things like Christmas I've had less money than I'd have liked. I've got a large-ish credit card debt to pay, since in December I had to pay for almost £700 worth of repairs to my car to get it roadworthy, and I'm saving money to get me to Australia this year. When I got paid this month, I must have already been £400 overdrawn on my account, so once I'd paid money for bills, rent, food into my joint account with the girl, I didn't have a whole let left. At first I thought what I did have would be plenty -- then I realised it still had to cover all my own personal expenses for things like mobile phone bills, car insurance, dental insurance...

Not wanting to be in debt again when I get paid next month, I've started to look into my options for earning some spare cash -- just to take care of the little extras. One quick way to earn a lump sum of money seems to be clinical drug trials. Does anybody remember the incident a couple of years back then the volunteers in a drug trial all suffered horrendous consequences and terrible pain? As a result of the media coverage from this nasty accident, volunteers for trials have actually increased -- because people have found out how much you can earn by doing them. I spoke to someone last week about a trial that would have paid about £1,500 for only three nights. This is above average, but just the same -- being a human guinea pig could clear my credit card debt, buy my ticket to Australia, and still leave me with some left over for my monthly expenses.

Unfortunately, I was discouraged from taking the day off to go for the screening, because I'd mentioned on the phone I was taking these tablets, and then admitted to a history of depression. They thought such details would probably preclude me from the trial. So I'm now talking to other companies doing similar trials, and lying through my teeth about my history -- and have stopped the tablets. To be fair, I was worried how exactly I was going to manage to take them every day when I was thousands of feet up a mountain in the Andes, this coming June, and I'm interested to see if my new exercise regime will take their place well enough.

As for the exercise, I've become one of those crazy people who go the gym before work. It's weird, one day I was laughing about the very idea of getting out of bed earlier for the gym, then I ended up with a personal training session booked for a morning, and I was hooked. It's so much quieter, and the endorphins really set me up for the rest of the day. I'm now going about three times a week in the mornings, going to group classes in the evenings on at least two of those days, and fitting in more visits in between.

It's amazing what some kind of goal like the Inca Trail does for my motivation -- just wanting to be fitter, happier, look better in t-shirt only gets me so far, but knowing that every little bit of fitness will help me to enjoy Peru even more really spurs me on. I'm lifting weights, going to 'balance' classes for my core, my balance and my coordination, going to cardio 'body combat' classes again for balance and core, along with that important cardio health, and making random visits to the gym to tackle their punchbag when I have really shitty days. I've even started having dreams where I retreat to the quiet gym and a punchbag when things get to me.

For those that don't know about or don't read my Peru blog (which has been recently updated, following a despicable lapse), my fundraising to date has reached £2,100 -- and with more money promised to me that I haven't collected on yet, and another money-making event planned for before I leave, things are looking good. I see no reason to rest though, and want to raise every last bit I can. I'm currently hitting up local purveyors of hiking equipment to see if they can offer me any support, and wondering if I should cast my net wider still.