Retracing my karma

"My party piece:
I strike, then from the moment when the matchstick
conjures up its light, to when the brightness moves
beyond its means, and dies, I say the story
of my life -

dates and places, torches I carried,
a cast of names and faces, those
who showed me love, or came close,
the changes I made, the lessons I learnt -"
(extract from untitled poem, by Simon Armitage)

Sometimes I talk of regrets in my life; mistakes in judgment, lapses in concentration or just decisions made that I have in hindsight felt were made wrongly. However, it occurred to me lately when I talk of these things that there are parts I am leaving out.

Months ago, late on a random Saturday night I ended up sitting in a pub with Deb and some assorted other people, including a very quiet guy that worked in the kitchen of the pub I worked in, and a friend of his who happened to be a boy I went to school with. We went to school together, but I'd probably be safe in saying we were never friends -- in fact, I would go far as saying I bullied him. From the age of 11 to probably about 16 or so, I was a dick to him. Most people were, and I guess I didn't think for myself -- he was just the kid whose clothes didn't fit, who had a bad haircut, but it wasn't only that. I think part of what annoyed me is that sometimes if you were talking to him individually, he could be okay. You could have a normal conversation about music, but in public -- if there were other people around -- he acted weird, played up to it. Perhaps he wanted the attention, even if it was negative attention? I don't know. Anyway, the point is that I believe I treated him badly. Although in the years since we left school our paths have crossed on several occasions and we have been friendly and polite to each other, it's nagged at me.

Then this one night, someone went to introduce us and he stopped them and said we had gone to school together. I agreed, we had -- and I turned to him and said that I was sorry for being such a complete arse to him at school. I told him that I had no excuse for my behaviour, that it was inexcusable, and for what it was worth I was sorry.

He said it clearly couldn't have been that bad, since he couldn't remember it. I don't believe it, I didn't believe it, and I think his eyes said something different. Either way, he said he remembered I made him a compilation tape of something or another and we had talked about music. I figure if he clearly doesn't hold a grudge against me, and I have told him I'm sorry, then I can consider it closed. Resolved, you might say. And like Earl Hickey I can cross him off my list.

In a conversation with Charley last weekend, the context I don't recall now, I remembered a girl I had gone to school with -- someone else treated badly. I decided to carry on with crossing people off my list, and sent an email to the address I thought I could remember for her -- just asking if it was still her address, because I wanted to reach her.

After almost a week I got a reply confirming it was indeed her address, and asking who I was.

I wasn't sure -- and to be honest, still aren't entirely convinced -- I was doing the right thing, but I emailed her clearing up who I was, and laying out exactly why I was emailing her. I apologised for messing with her head and generally behaving badly towards her for years, and hoped she would forgive me. I didn't honestly expect her to still harbour bad feelings about it, but I have never before apologised to her either.
For what it's worth, she says she forgave me years ago -- water under the bridge and all of that. Now I have to decide if I want anything further to do with her, since I had no desire to try and rekindle any friendship, but am wary of just disappearing again.

The whole concept of karma in Buddhism troubles me. I sort of get it -- every action having an equal and opposite reaction, the illusion of separateness, and so with it what you do to someone else you are doing to yourself, in a way. But I have always had issue with when bad things seem to happen undeserved to a good person -- the old lady who gets knocked over by a fleeing shoplifter, maybe hits her head or breaks something, what did she do to deserve that? But just the same, when I look back, I think of bullying a boy at school and wonder if it has anything to do with why my own life was later made miserable. I look at the girl who I treated badly and would never give a chance to, and consider if it has any relation to my failed relationships.

I don't believe it does, but I also think it's important to recognise bad things you have done and trying to make amends. It's a step towards universal compassion.