Sevilla (part two)

extracts taken from my moleskine journal, a work entitled "stay out of circulation 'til the dogs get tired"

Friday, March 21
Good Friday, Seville's Semana Santa
Woke this morning to the sounds of drums and trumpets and very Spanish music. Still so tired from last night, I wondered if this was normal behaviour for Spain. I eventually got up around 11ish and took a shower -- I came back to the room to find a parade was filling the streets below; this more than made up for being stranded in the city last night, watching the parade circling endlessly.

--

A day started with tapas and "un grande cerveza" can't be all bad. We found a bar tender who spoke perfect English and who was amused by the few snatched Spanish phrases I knew. I take great pleasure in saying "muchas gracias señor" and "buenas dias". We wandered the city streets, drinking in the smell of orange blossoms, finding hidden patios and fountains.

And so our first day in Seville was started abruptly with a parade -- and I'm glad it was, standing in the mid-morning sun on the balcony and watching the crowds of people in the street. When eventually it was all quiet again, Dune headed out to see the sights in daylight and started with a short trip on a boat down the Guadalquivir river.

We sat in the sun near the city's Alcázar, listening to a man playing simple Spanish guitar, and made plans to return on Saturday to see the cathedral and the Alcázar.

Shavian wonderings and the air force

"Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and imagines it is governing its masters; but the ballot paper that really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it.... when you vote you only change the names of the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new." George Bernard Shaw Major Barbara

I have my first "formal" interview for the Air Force on Monday, and I'm now wondering if the whole thing is a stupid idea. I remain sure that the discipline and structure would probably do a lot for me, and for how I view myself. I also think the role I would be carrying out as an officer would stimulate and challenge me, and that I could do the job very well.

So why the doubts?

I know people around me think it's an extraordinarily bad idea, or that I am just not suited to it at all. I get told that I'm a dreamer or that I'm too gentle (which feels a lot like being told I am effeminate) and that I couldn't handle it. It's no secret between me and my friends that I don't know if I could kill someone -- and surely that's quite important if you're looking to join the armed forces. There has also been doubts cast on if I would be able to handle emotionally people close to me dying.

I do have issues with being able to separate myself. It's funny, in a way -- sometimes I can be so detached from things, and sometimes I really don't feel like I attach to other people very well at all. But in other ways I can't put that distance there when I need to. As a journalist, I hated sitting in court hearings -- assaults, murders, abuse cases, I couldn't leave it at the door.

I should be preparing for this interview, and yet I feel incredibly uneasy when I am researching various air craft and read about their weapons capabilities. Maverick infrared missiles, cluster munitions, general purpose free-fall bombs... Does war determine who is right, or only who is left? There is certainly no room for doubt or intellectual debate within the armed forces.

I list among my reasons for wanting to join wanting to grow up and get out of the stupid, childish minsdet that the universe should revolve around me -- my whole life has been me!me!me!me!me!. I want to be part of something bigger than myself, I want to give myself to a simple cause. But ironically, isn't this reason still a very egocentric position? It's still all about poor, tortured Jay, trying to find out who is and where he should be.

I know I have to try or I will spend my whole life wondering, and the more people cast their doubts the more stubborn I am in wanting to prove them wrong. But I am still unsure if I am doing the right thing.

UPDATE: None of it really matters now -- I got my rejection letter today. But I am welcome to reapply in twelve months.

Sevilla (part one)

extracts taken from my moleskine journal, a work entitled "stay out of circulation 'til the dogs get tired"

Thursday, March 20
Triana Backpacker´s Hostel, Seville
Already I am excited to be here -- just so thrilled to be in a different country. Outside in the street, I can hear groups of people all talking and laughing in a language I don´t know -- it feels refreshing to be in a place so unlike home.

The flight over passed almost without noticing. We left the howling wind and rain of England behind, and less than three hours later we touhced down in Spain. I must have slept for some or all of the flight, I remember nothing more than about 30 minutes of it. Who needs to teleport when you have travel narcolepsy? Our bags came quickly.

On the drive to the hostel, the taxi driver spoke very little and listened to electronica -- while we gazed out at the architecture and palm trees, interspersed with familiar billboards. In between pointing out elaborate feats of architecture, or someone dressed in the traditional Nazareno costume, Dune and I would nudge each other to point out Vodafone or Starbucks.

Even though it was already late when we arrived, we were hungry and eager to see some of the parades of the Santa Semana -- which apparently didn't even begin until 12.30 that night. Fearless explorers as we were, Dune and I struck out into the city to first find tapas. Food quickly was a priority so we weren't in the mood for taking our time -- that's why when we stopped at a bar and Dune thought it looked a bit dingy, I suggested we went inside and had a look anyway.

As it turned out, the bar was less dingy than it was local. We stood at the bar itself, ordered a couple of drinks in broken Spanish, and with great difficulty that involved a few English words, a few Spanish, much pointing and much repeating of "no intiendo" we agreed with the bar tender for some tapas. As we stood at the bar talking and laughing and feeling alive in this foreign country, we helped ourselves to bread from a basket on the bar. After munching our way through several breadsticks, the bar tender noticed, and with a deliberate gesture produced for us our own basket. It was only then we realised the bread we had been eating belonged to the man stood next to us, who luckily had his back turned and hadn't noticed the bread thieves that we were.

Dune's meal was a traditional dish of what seemed to be potato and peppers, with a fried egg on top. Mine took a little longer to produce, but appeared to be a grilled chicken breast seasoned with balsamic vinegar and potatas fritas. Once we finished we thanked the bar tender very warmly -- "Mi Español es un poco" Dune told him, "Inglés? Nada." said the bar tender. And so we headed out into the night -- trying to remember from the cab ride the way to the city.

After an indeterminate length of time, wandering down dark and empty streets we felt we had definitely gone wrong somewhere -- and Dune being the hands-on person she is (rather than the "if I keep walking maybe I will magically find my way" person I am), stopped a Spanish couple to ask them for directions. Their English was almost non-existent, but they wanted to help so they eagerly called out to a young woman named Sarah to come back. Sarah turned out to be an east Texas journalism major, spending a semester studying in Seville -- she was lovely and obliging, and didn't just point the way, but took us with her into the city. Once we had parted company with the lovely Sarah, I told Dune I betted she was a blogger. Dune disagreed, she didn't seem the type -- but I insist then (as I do now) a journalism major studying in a European city so far from home could hardly fail to want to write and be recognised. I said I would google her and see what I could find, but I have so far come up short. I think this is inconclusive -- I don't think googling key points about my life would find my blog, either.

The city was almost electric with anticipation for the night's festivities -- and in key spots vast rows of wooden seating was set out for spectators. Unfortunately, these vast rows of wooden seating were also reserved for ticket holders -- not only did we not have a ticket, we had no idea where one might get such an elusive prize.

Our cunning plan of just standing in a spot with a good view seemed to be working well for the first couple of hours -- but the time of the parade got closer and more people shared our idea, and eventually the local policia moved us all on. Anywhere good to see from was either seated, cordoned off with barriers, or already staked out -- but we were not to be put off. We had not travelled this far and waited this long to be so easily put off. Didn't they know who we were?!

We did eventually find a spot suitable to view the parades from -- and we weren't disappointed. Solemn, ghostly figures in pointed hoods and costumes slowly marched along the streets, silently carrying their candles. They would be followed by others in a different colour costumes, carrying crosses and flags, and still more figures with candles. Eventually you would see a glow coming from round the corner, and without fanfare an elaborate float would appear, carried invisibly from underneath, depicting Jesus, crucified on a cross, or the virgin Mary.

What we didn't realise at first -- and not for several hours -- was that these Nazarenos and Penitentes actually seemed to be circiling the city. A couple of times the floats just looked very familiar, until Dune hit upon the idea that the reason why didn't seem to be able to escape them, despite our best efforts to at this point, no matter where we went was that they had no end. It was just going to go on and on and on... After much effort we finally found our way past the processions, out of the city and across the Triana bridge back to our own bohemian corner of Seville, falling into bed about 4am. Even now, I think I am going to wake up from nightmares of these figures carrying candles in never-ending processions I am unable to escape.

It was truly amazing, and I don't fully appreciate how different these European cultures are until an opportunity to really experience them. But this was only the first night, so there is more to come from "stay out of circulation 'til the dogs get tired".

In a heap round their breakfasts in yesterday's clothes

This has to be the worst-timed post ever. I spend all day bored out of my mind, but it's only when I want to have been asleep half an hour ago that I actually get around to writing an update. I might not have internet access or the time to blog at work, but I'm in one of those annoying places where sitting in front of a computer when I get home from work isn't so appealing.

It's no surprise that I miss working in the bookshop. In fairness, I don't think I did the job for anywhere near long enough to appreciate how mind numbing it would get -- I wasn't full time, and didn't stay more than a couple of months, I think 40 hours a week and working weekends (as would inevitably have happened) would have done much to take the shine off it. But right now, I can dream and reminisce about recommending books to customers and talking to cute girls who wanted to know what books of Robert Frost's poetry we had. I don't miss dusting the shelves, or being restricted to only one 20 minute break a day.

I've been avoiding updating lately because my frame of mind or emotional well being took a distinct turn for the worst. I made reference a few weeks back to a shaky state of affairs and despite some occasional patches of sullen sun, things deteriorated. I don't much like talking about how I'm feeling, and so was shutting people out emotionally and writing about it felt just a tiny bit too much like talking about it. Much better to remain quiet with my thoughts of self harm. My powers of hypocrisy know no bounds, it would seem.

It took Dune to make me realise what a complete arse I was being. She gave me a good talking to and told me in no uncertain terms to sort myself out, which got me to pull myself together a bit. It's not like someone has waved a magic wand and made everything all better, but it's got me to stop being so self pitying and actually try and feel a bit more alive. I know perfectly well that the power to be happy is well within my grasp, and that I expend huge emotional effort on feeling shit, and so for the time being I am trying to make an effort to the contrary. It has also been brought to my attention that if I want to move out, I need to make it happen -- rather than sitting around and waiting for my friends to want to move out with me, and if I actually took the time to work out a budget it's more than feasible.

In other news, Dune and I go to Seville on Thursday evening for the long Easter weekend -- to check out the 'Santa Semana', or Holy Week, festival. If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if she was trying to save my soul, since this is the same girl who invited me to go on a pilgrimage last year. Really, I think it's the appeal of Spain and the history and the idea of doing something different. This also means that I am taking half day at work on Thursday, and am making up for it (or making it up in my wages) by starting an hour earlier every day.

The whole issue of work is a particularly sore spot for me right now. Today I was training my newest colleague -- who started just over a week ago and is already looking to leave as soon as she possibly can -- and I noticed on her desk a copy of What Colour Is Your Parachute?, a multi-bestselling guide to job hunting and career changes. I flicked through it a bit, and on noticing some parts on finding out what jobs suit your personality, my colleague mentioned to me the idea that what job one might do could, possibly, not be the best fit. I laughed and said I had little illusions that what I do is something I am well suited to -- it requires no creativity and offers no intellectual stimulation at all, and one of the few things that keeps from insanity is the opportunity to talk to various suppliers on the phone. However, I recognise that 99% of the population of the planet feel the same way about what they do. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

I struggle between feeling like I have sold out, that I have given up, that I am one of the people who would have liked to be a writer or an artist or whatever -- but gave up on it, rather than one of the people didn't stop believing and made it happen. If nothing else, at least I have the temperament of the artist.

Adventures continue in London with Dune. We met up with Jiminy and Non-Blondie again, and took again in the sights and smells of East London -- wandering down Brick Lane, before ending up again in the local pub we like, and playing darts. The darts game was made more exciting when Non-Blondie's celebration dance looked like it might send her through the trapdoor into the cellar, but although I would have liked to have won, I don't think that would have been the way to achieve it. And perhaps it was made abundantly clear to all involved that I am not kidding about my coordination or spatial awareness, but I think they were fortunate that nobody accidentally got a dart in the side of the head.

Last weekend, Jon and I returned to Camden with Dune -- and made it further than the pub this time, exploring Camden Lock market, having lunch in a Mexican place in Covent Garden and ending the evening in a pub in Charing Cross. There also as a result of that evening needs to be a whole post now devoted to film and cinema, as it has become a subject so weighty it needs its own space to breathe.

All in all, I've pulled my head out my arse a bit, work sucks, bites and blows -- and never in any good ways, but I have started looking for a new place to live. I stress only started at this point. Oh and I can now speak very rudimentary Spanish -- albeit Latin American Spanish (since it was the only short course the library had left), and with a charming Essex accent.

I am thinking of changing the name of my blog to "Hey man, now you're really living" after the Eels song that makes me happy...

Catching up in east London

I am very much behind the times here. For a start, I'm getting increasingly behind with episodes of Lost because I don't have Sky TV and have to watch it online -- but probably because everyone else in the world is doing the same thing, the videos spend weeks on end buffering.

Another example of how behind I am is that now both Dune and Non-Blondie have blogged about us all meeting up, and I haven't mentioned it before now. Last post I was still writing about Dune's first week in England, and that was nearly a month ago now.

Because I am all about meeting the bloggers, I thought it would be fun if Dune and I met up with Jiminy Cricket and Non-Blondie. Together the three of them could reminisce about life down under and lots of fun things like that. I won't be friends with anyone online that I wouldn't be prepared to see in real life, and wherever possible I try to meet online friends, along with making them CDs and posting them stuff. All y'all who are afraid I might stalk you are missing out. This does go the other way too, sometimes I go through my Facebook friends list and reconsider if some of these people I actually want to be friends with -- even if I know them in real life.

Luckily for me, Dune thought it was a great idea to meet JC and Non-Blondie -- but Jiminy being the funny bastard he is worried me when he replied to my email. I'd contacted him suggesting a possible meet, and when I got his reply my google mail alert popped up with an extract from the email. It started "Oh wow, this is awkward...Umm... We'd like to meet up but..." and I thought it was going to be a polite decline, something like they weren't really comfortable meeting people off the internet. But no, he was just being mean and so I called him a bastard, and a meet up was arranged.

I chose my favourite bar in Shoreditch, and although I found our way there without a moment's confusion or hesitation as to direction (it more or less involves just walking in a straight line) Dune did become acquainted with my phrase "it's just up here". It seems my idea of "just up here" and the rest of the world's don't quite tally up, and I suspect Dune began to wonder if I really knew where we were going. The funny part was shortly before we got to the bar, Dune asked me if Jiminy and I had exchanged pictures, so that we'd recognise each other. Nope, hadn't occurred to me... I figured from their blog avatars and the fact they'd be together would be obvious enough, that coupled with them looking for other random bloggers they might recognise.

Not only did we get to the bar without a hitch, but there was only the briefest of seconds before someone saw us. I have to remember that although this bar is my favourite in the world ever, it's actually only good value during happy hour (which lasts for two hours, and is every day). It also has a lot more atmosphere at those times. Just the same, despite the bar staff not knowing what Dune's requested drink was and taking the longest time ever to make her a mojito, I felt justified in choosing the bar. Especially because they also do great food.

China Blue: you will be reassured to hear that where I sat this time had no candle on the table, and so this time there was no heart-stopping moment where I almost set the bar alight. Hopefully, you will also be glad to know that I don't appear to be barred following that incident, so we can look forward to going back. And leaving open flames alone.

One drawback the bar did have was a lack of desserts, and so as a merry band of bloggers, the four of us set off into Shoreditch in search of chocolate desserts. I'm not much of a fan of desserts, and so was spectacularly unhelpful in knowing where to go -- but after checking menus of several different establishments, we settled on a patisserie just by Spitalfields market.

I'd like to briefly interrupt this account of food and drink in east London by saying how incredibly awesome Jiminy Cricket and Non Blondie are. Seriously, these two are way up there with the very coolest bloggers I have ever met -- and exactly the kind of brilliance I was talking about lacking in my uninspiring date last month. I think there must be a certain kind of person drawn to blogging, because I can't think of a blogger I have met who wasn't great. Reassuringly, Dune didn't take an instant dislike to me on first meeting me and I feel like we really have been friends for years -- and helping fly the flag for damn cool Aussie bloggers are Jiminy and Non-Blondie.

Perhaps the highlight of the day (other than the chocolate desserts) was finding a local pub in Shoreditch. It wasn't a trendy bar or a hip pub, it was just your typical local pub -- where before you walk in you don't know if it's going to be full of wankers who want to stab you up, or if it will surprise you and be cool. Thankfully it was the latter -- although they didn't mind Non-Blondie throwing her drink everywhere, they seemed bemused by the concept of serving food. Despite having a blackboard listing the day's special.

Eventually, though, we did have to move on -- the lack of food was a problem, even though they were apparently happy enough for us to bring food in there. I suspect it was one of those kind of pubs where you could take your dog inside, too, and nobody would mind.

I remember once when I was a bar tender being left as the manager in charge one summer afternoon. I was unhappy when one customer brought their dog with them to the bar, but just as I was about to ask them to take the dog outside, someone else came in with their dog, too. And to really make things interesting, the two dogs started fighting. Better fighting than anything else, I guess. So yeah, I am generally against the idea of dogs in pubs.

The search for food culminated in a visit to Pitcher&Piano which has none of the atmosphere or edge of Shoreditch or the charm of a slightly grotty local pub, but what it does have is large plates of nachos. Again, this post is going to go on far too long if I don't end it there -- so Dune and I bade farewell to Jiminy and Non-Blondie, and caught the train home. The train journey home was a delightful time spent with drunk, racist and loud-mouthed football fans -- which I guess restored balance to a day spent with amazingly brilliant people.

Further Adventures in London With Dune

After the unscheduled breaks in programming here at Arm The Homeless, I would like to now return to Further Adventures in London With Dune, otherwise known as FALD. I should really rethink that title to make an amusing acronym.

My previous accounts have had myself and Dune taking in the famous sights of my home town, and the slightly less famous sights of Westminster (once I worked out how to find them). The next day was about as different again, when we headed into London with Jon to see the Gutter Twins play Koko, in Camden.

If anyone is scratching their heads and wondering who the Gutter Twins are, I can try and briefly summarise. Greg Dulli, former frontman of Afghan Whigs, collaborated with various musicians with his more recent band Twilight Singers. One such musician is the gravel-voiced Mark Lanegan, famous for fronting Screaming Trees and collaborating with Queens of the Stone Age. In between touring again with Afghan Whigs and Twilight Singers, Greg Dulli is collaborating again with Mark Lanegan on a side project -- this is the Gutter Twins.

Whenever we can, if we're going to a gig in London we like to spend the whole day up there and so that was what Jon and I did with Dune. The idea to begin with had been to check out what the state of Camden Lock Market was after the recent fire, perhaps indulge in one of Dune's self-guided walks, but first of all to visit a pub I have newly adopted as my favourite in Camden. Outside it was cold and it was raining -- inside it was warm and there was alcohol. So we didn't actually leave the pub until it was time to go to the gig.

Before they met, Jon had been slightly concerned about meeting Dune. He knew that I had nothing but good things to say about her, but was naturally concerned that there might be awkward silences or that if I left them alone together they would have nothing to say. Quite the opposite was true, Jon and Dune got along like a house on fire -- since they're both interesting, intelligent and fun people this wasn't really a surprise, but I know Jon was relieved. I didn't need to be relieved, as I'd never been concerned -- I knew they were both easy to get along with, and I obviously have great taste in friends.

The gig itself was good, but to my mind not great -- what was missing for me was knowing their songs, and a crowd that also already knew and loved their work. There wasn't quite the same chemistry.

On Friday, Dune and I splashed out again on travelcards (I might live close to London, but the travel into the city isn't cheap) with a view to spending the day at the British Museum, but first meeting Dune's cousin for lunch. One would think that after our experiences with my sense of direction earlier in the week, I might have planned ahead a little better for Friday. That is, I'd been to the British Museum before, and knew that it was sign posted from Holborn tube, but it didn't actually occur to me to check these things.

I have very little defence, other than that I presumed it would be obvious and it doesn't matter so much when you're doing these things and getting lost on your own.

We found our way to Holborn without incident, and sure enough there were sign posts outside the station, pointing the way. Unfortunately, nothing is idiot-proof to a sufficiently-talented idiot, and when the signs stopped on route, I was no clearer as to where the museum was. I took a wild guess that going up "Museum Street" would be a good start, and although Dune was dubious, we tried it. It worked well for a short while, but soon we came to another street and still no museum. It was fortunate for me that Dune is very patient, and felt it was charming that it wouldn't occur to me to look up where to go ahead of time.

I asked directions from a passing stranger. He looked worried and told me in a heavy accent he couldn't speak English. I tried another, and got the same result. Who would have thought that when stopping people in the street in central London you could get a 100% success rate in finding people that didn't speak English?

Granted, I use that line on charity muggers. When asked "Can you spare a few moments for --?" I reply in clear and perfect English, "I'm very sorry, I don't speak English". If they persist, I smile apologetically and say "No, I'm sorry, I really can't understand you". It confuses them long enough for you to get away.

Back on the street in Holborn, I walked into a bag shop and asked the sales staff. They looked at me like I was something they had just trodden in, but if nothing else my PR and journalist experience has taught me how to fake confidence with strangers who don't like you -- if only for a very short period. It turns out the British Museum was right up the road opposite us. Which was still Museum Street.

So we found the Museum. And a short while later, Dune's delightful cousin Sally met us -- and you can tell these girls are related because they're both incredibly gorgeous and very smart. After an excited greeting between the girls, and a slightly shy one on my part, the three of us set off looking for a pub for lunch. We walked aimlessly for a short time, before Sally admitted she didn't actually know where we were going -- so we collectively started actually looking for a pub. And quickly found one. Lunch was good -- standard pub fare, but nourishing, and very generously paid for by Sally. It was also sadly quite short.

Dune and I found our way back to the British Museum and spent the rest of the day there quite happily. I think I am in no way exaggerating or biased when I say that the British Museum has to be one of the finest museums in the world, although not without controversy. We checked out the ancient Greeks and the ancient Egyptians, gatecrashed a guided tour -- the tour guide was really good and we were thoroughly enjoying it when he took a moment out to tell us that it was a paid for tour. Dune felt it was directed mostly at her, but I think I escaped notice only because I was stood next to a member of the tour group who actually looked like he was homeless and had aimlessly wandered into the museum in search of a cup of tea.

And so an afternoon was spent -- a word of advice to anyone wishing to see the British Museum. As with any great museums and galleries, one day is not enough. Or rather, one day is just right if you divide it over two -- do a morning one day and then the afternoon the next, and if you can plan what you want to see. Dune and I will undoubtedly be going back on a rainy day before too long, it's that level of greatness.

Every drop of flame

On Monday night, I drove Dune to her cousin's flat in South London -- where she will be staying for a week or so, she says to give my parents a rest, and to give us all a chance to miss her. It's funny how quickly you get used to having someone around, my parents agree that the house seems quiet now, and my Mum in particular loved having a girl about the place.

I've been driving a lot the last couple of days -- having spent Sunday delivering meals to the sick and needy, which meant navigating the mean streets of East London on my own as they were a person short so I didn't have a navigator. The driving and navigating wasn't so bad -- in fact, I've sometimes thought on occasion a satnav would be more reliable, as there have been so many navigators who struggled with left and right, stuttered when giving directions, or just had to be given a little help map reading. All lovely people, don't get me wrong, just not your first choice of navigator. Unfortunately, what a satnav can't do is entertain you, help you bag up the meals, or drop the meals off at the door while you turn the car round. Instead I had to find somewhere to park (rather than just beaching the car like a whale, as I normally do), hide the valuables, then bag up the meals and deliver them and all the rest. It was hard work. I got an email today asking if I could drive again this Sunday because they were a driver short. It is going to have to be at least a month before I'd want to do it again.

You might think after Sunday's driving I wouldn't have wanted to drive to or around London again -- but there was no way on earth I was prepared to see Dune struggle with trains and tubes with her bags. It wasn't easy for the two of us to transport them from the airport to my car when she arrived, and that was with a baggage trolley -- I would have sooner carried the bags on my back like a donkey than I would have made her take the train. I like to look after my friends, and I can know they have arrived safely if I take them myself.

Driving at night when the rounds are quiet and the air is cold, you can turn the stereo up and it almost feels like you're in a movie. When Dune and I were driving home from the airport when I first picked her up we commented on something like it -- a particular song came on and we remarked it felt like the introspective, soul-searching part of the film where the protagonist struggles with a decision they must make. The people you pass in the streets seem like extras, all playing their parts to the best of their ability -- but when you stop at traffic lights, you still lean over and lock the doors.

To be completely honest, I'm in a bit of a strange emotional state at the moment. It would be too hasty to say I am regressing to where I was when I started therapy, but I have to remind myself that I didn't stop therapy because I didn't need it, I stopped because I couldn't rely on my therapist. I dreamed last night I turned up at his house just like I had always done (since that was his office) and although he seemed surprised to see me, he wasn't that surprised, or mad that I had stopped. Just the same, I am noticing myself being quiet and withdrawn when I don't want to be and am sometimes troubled with recurring thoughts.

In other news, I have my first formal interview with the RAF booked in. I was avoiding their calls for ages -- since I had to fill in yet another application form and was having doubts if I was doing the right thing -- but I reminded myself this is something I have to do, or else always be wondering.