Last night I dreamed San had a new boyfriend. I presume it was a boyfriend, but now that I think of it, I don't remember that it was actually specified. I don't remember meeting this other person, or actually being told about them.
I do remember, though, asking San; "But what about us?"
And even now, I can clearly visualise how she looked in my dream. She looked at me with such genuine sadness -- but it was sad because she knew it hurt me, and didn't want to hurt me.
And she said: "You know there is no 'us'."
And that's it, that's all I remember of the dream -- probably all there was, because that brief exchange said everything it needed to. I still felt sad today, at work, I knew it wasn't real but at the same time; it kind of is. There isn't really an "us" any more, even if we make plans for the summer involving zoos and late night jazz clubs and movies and stuff, and even if we spend time together and feels like back when we were together and thingd were good. Despite all of that, the not wanting to acknowledge it and not wanting to try and label it, there is still no us -- she still could say, "Sorry I can't meet you that day, I'm going out with my boyfriend".
I have that same option, of course. And as I've said before, I'm certainly not in love with San if I am fantasising about other girls, or chasing other girls or even just not even being sure of wanting to be with her. San has broken my heart and messed up my head too many times for me to ever be sure we could make it work.
"I no longer love her, that's certain. But maybe I love her?
Love is so short; forgetting is so long."
I'm trying to work out what it is then. Is it just the thought of an ex moving on? Instead of them becoming a nun and never going outside again, instead choosing to take a vow of silence, in mourning for what is lost. Or perhaps it is just not wanting to be the one who is single when she's moved on? Maybe it's just sad having to admit when something is really, finally over.
Though that said, I was planning to write a post along the lines of; "How do you know when your last kiss is the last for good?" until I mentioned it to my friends, and they said except in circumstances involving death, how can you ever be sure it was the last? I'm pretty sure the last time I kissed Fiona will have been the last ever, but who can say what might happen in 50 years? So it's hard to write something off as completely over. Plus, generally when I accept someone is gone and get over it, they come back again. But when you're still secretly hoping they might, they won't, because you've not accepted it yet.
Incidentally, I wanted to tell San all day about the dream -- but was scared she'd say it was true. Until she mentioned making friends with some girl she met in the library, who wanted to fix San up with her friend. She didn't specify male or female -- so a bit like in my dream. So in response I did tell her.
In reply she merely said "Dreams are funny things. *hug*..." and proceeded to ask if her new man was perhaps David Duchovney.
There's not really any clever way to tie this all together at the end, no great realisation that I don't already know, no great epiphany. I know that I have to let her go emotionally, and probably that until I do I won't be able to move on. But what's new there?
The end of a relationship... or, the transitioning of a relationship from, say, lovers to friends... brings with it a whole potpourri of emotions. Although perhaps potpourri is the wrong word, because that sort of implies that it smells nice. But it doesn't; it stinks to high heavens.
ReplyDeleteWhen my ex-girlfriend of many years (okay, 14 years) met some other guy, in one way I was relieved because then I felt like maybe I could go on and not feel guilty anymore just in case I ever found someone. On the other hand, as you said, it's hard to face up to the fact that it's really truly over.
And then when she married this other guy, the fact that I knew we were not going to be together and didn't even really want to be together didn't help to soothe the stabbing pain in my heart.
As we had discussed many times when we were together, if either of us was ever to be married to someone else, the other would stand up in the wedding, so I was more or less her male "Maid of Honor". And obviously, we are still great friends.
But there's always the what-ifs, and the regret, and it never really feels good. Especially when you are still alone.