Saturday night

It's Saturday night, and tonight Rich Hall is again performing at the Covent Garden comedy club. And I'm sat indoors on my own, wondering why there are fireworks.

After the last time he was there, I really wanted to go tonight. But nobody would or could go -- San was out of town, Fi had friends coming into town, my friends here either couldn't make it or couldn't afford it. I didn't want to go on my own, not again -- it might feel different if you plan to go alone, rather than be stood up... I checked my bank balance today and decided I couldn't afford to be going, just the same.

Things are getting increasingly desperate, not having earned a regular wage in six months -- and even then my wages were more like part time than anything. I still don't know how long it will be before I actually do get a job. A month or two back my dad asked if he could buy my television from me, for my parents' flat -- I told him I'd just as soon keep it, at the time. Now it has got to a point where I need the money more than I need my own television. I like the television, it was a competition prize a few years back and I'd been looking forward to my own flat for it. But that's not looking so likely now. When winter comes, I think my snowboard will have to be sold, too -- it wasn't a very sensible buy, really. Maybe by the time winter comes I won't need to sell it, but I'm not holding out hope.

The latest with the work situation is that there wasn't a permanent position to offer me, but one is being created. However, I have to formerly apply for the position and take the psychometric tests and be interviewed just like anyone else. I hate the thought that this job I prompted them to create might go to someone else -- that I might have worked without pay for six months on the account, only to then miss out.

I know it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen, I know that this career might not even be right for me, I know that you are not your job or how much money you have in the bank. But it still sucks.