There's blood in my mouth cos I've been biting my tongue all week

I woke up this morning with a headache, and I knew almost without thinking what it was -- I haven't had a drink all week, so I could be sure it wasn't a hangover, instead I know I have been grinding my teeth while I sleep.

The medical condition has such an ugly name: bruxism. It almost conjures up mental images of the jaw clenched, teeth grinding against teeth... I don't remember when it started, but I think San woke me up in the night to tell me I was doing it -- and that explained my headaches at the time. I was fitted for a nocturnal mouth guard and my doctor increased the dosage on my anti-depressants, but I don't think it ever went away. Funnily enough, one of the reasons I stopped taking my medication was when I found bruxism was a side effect -- the higher dosage and probably only exasperated it.

But lately, I haven't been wearing the mouth guard. I don't even know where it is. The headaches had gone away and even if some mornings I might feel a dull ache, it didn't get so bad.

Why, then, has it returned? My first guess would be work; I'm often afraid that I'm screwing everything up and that it's only a matter of time before I'm found out. I'm still waiting to see if shit hits the fan that a lot of our "tier one" consumer titles have already finished their Christmas issues, which means we'll have no coverage in them -- this could mean real trouble for me. Or it might be nothing. There is also that I haven't earned a proper wage in six months, or even longer -- even when I was working in the pub, I was barely getting more than part-time wages.

My contract here runs out at the end of this months and I'm having to work out what happens then -- renewing my contract further to work, effectively, without pay isn't really an option. This means I have to work out if I want to be here, or elsewhere, and if this industry is even where I want to be working.

I had scheduled today a meeting with an associate director on one of my accounts. Last night I dreamed that we met, as planned, but I completely failed to mention anything about my contract, needing a job and looking elsewhere if there isn't a job here for me -- who knows what we did talk about. It's no wonder I woke up with a headache. I have also scheduled a meeting with a recruitment consultant for the end of next week, so I can update her on where I am.

My meeting with the associate director person went ahead as planned, and lasted perhaps a massive five minutes. We exchanged pleasantries, and she asked what she could do for me -- and unlike in my dream I wasted no time, and put my cards on the table. I told her one of my accounts clearly needed an account assistant, and that I believed it should be me. She agreed an assistant is needed, but it isn't her decision on whether one is hired -- or who it should be. We also talked briefly about the other account I work on, and if there were other accounts I might like to work on. I could think of all of about one on the spot, it's probably a bit late now to be sending her a "list of accounts I don't work on but prefer to my own".

I'm also toying with ideas about music PR, and trying to find agencies who handle extreme sports. With very little luck. Entirely unrelated to PR, I applied for a job the other day working as an assistant on the picture desk of a news agency.

And if anyone's interested: not a word from Rachel, which -- yeah -- is probably a good thing.