This morning I dreamed that I was getting married to San. The church was full of relatives, and I remember seeing their expressions as I walked down the aisle (why was I walking down the aisle?) -- they didn't seem happy, more nervous or worried. This seems to have escaped me in the dream.
However, when I get to the front of the church instead of getting married, I am strapped into a chair that resembled an electric chair -- with the leather straps and all the rest -- and forced to take a test. What the test was in, I couldn't tell you.
San told me it was ok really, because what she hadn't told me before was that she was already married to her friend, Jill.
I told San about this dream and she laughed, but said that it had disturbing undercurrents. Like what? I asked her. Like that Jill is an obstacle between us.
Ahh... Jill.
As far as San is concerned, the only issue with Jill would be that I am or was resentful of her trying to convince San to leave me for her. I will take to my grave the secret that I have a little bit of a crush on Jill.
Most of the time I have got to thinking I imagined it all, or that I have control over my feelings, but then I meet her again and something goes "phrreeeeee-owww".
On New Year's Eve we went to an indie club in London -- we as in me, San, Jill, Jill's boyfriend and some friends of theirs. The night was uneventful as nights out go. The club was badly organised as there was only one bar open in the place, which meant epic length queues for a drink. San and I were stood in a queue at the bar when the clock struck midnight. I tried to be enthusiastic, and I think San wanted to be too, but the feeling just wasn't there.
But anyway. I know perfectly well what the attraction is with Jill -- it's the same thing that has all the boys wanting her. She just has this way of focusing her attention on you, and it makes you feel special. She has this upbeat, laid back way to her -- and sure, she has her issues, and probably more of them and more serious than I could speculate -- but she seems like the universe was created just to compliment her.
I honestly don't know her very well. I've never had the opportunity to have a real conversation with her, to talk to her about how she feels or what she wants from life. It is just a crush and nothing more. But I've told San that I admire her self control to not leave me for Jill when Jill asked her to -- sure, I could never leave San for Jill, either, but that's an entirely different prospect. All the same, I sometimes wonder if the two of them wouldn't be better together.
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