New Birds (Musical Monday #10)

#"...it's very easy to forget -- she's just sitting there in the pub with her new friends and her new life and her new hair, and it's been five years but you'd know just to look at her"#
Arab Strap "New Birds"

I did think of making this a belated Musical Monday post -- a Monday post, made on a Wednesday about events from a Tuesday. It's probably that kind of confusion that has brought down CastPost, since it's not working -- and unfortunately that means you won't get to hear the rambling Scottish indie low-fi genius of this Arab Strap song. I can't say if any of their other songs are rambling low-fi genius as I can't recall any others, and besides they're splitting up.

Anyway, the song is the usual fare -- boy in a pub sees girl he used to go out with years before, and can't stop thinking about kissing her, but when she invites him back to her place he remembers his girl at home and he says "there might be a slight regret and you might wonder what you missed but you have to remember the kiss you worked so hard on -- and you'll know you've done the right thing".

The thing with the song, though, is that it seems so sad. I think he misses the girl, maybe he still loves her and it's jarring to see her in the pub with her new friends and her new hair. Even though he is clearly very much in love with his own bird at home -- he does the right thing, after all -- the sadness in the music and his tone of voice is palpable.

And the music itself, it's a very low-key low-fi affair, although building to a suitably understated indie crescendo. I'll link to it here, if I'm ever again able.

I mention here the other day -- in my slightly cathartic and uncensored post about the fucked up things I do to myself -- that Fiona wanted to meet. She's been mentioning it for months, and when I couldn't see her Monday I suggested Tuesday. She accepted. So on a cold and dark Tuesday night in south west London -- after three years, I met Fiona off a train and we went to the pub.

It's been three years, and you'd know it to look at her -- she's just sitting there in the pub with her new friends and her new life and her new hair, and she's sitting next to you, showing you on her camera phone pictures of her flat. Alongside pictures of her friends in wigs, and lots of pictures of her boyfriend that he's taken of himself. He's not vain, she says, he's just amused at the sight of himself.

I forget most of what we talked about -- the usual unimportant stuff, but occasionally we'd talk about us. Talk about our relationship as it once was, or rather not the time we spent together but more about how it all fell apart when I went away. I broke her heart, and I never wanted to. She tells me cried for months, but I remember her seeing someone else by February -- probably just to make me jealous. We didn't know what the other was thinking at the time, and I didn't want to hold her back. Didn't want to hold myself back, just wanted us to be free and grow and then live happily ever after a little bit down the line. Except that, her current boyfriend aside, her relationships since have been typically shit.

Boyfriends with bordering-on-psychotic jealousy, boyfriends who really were pyschotic, had the nickname "psycho-" but she was still surprised when he turned out to be a psycho, the boyfriend that was a dick and cheated on her for months. I can't help but maybe feel a little responsible. But I also remember only too well the time I told her I still loved her and it was a huge drama -- even if she later on at the time did admit that she still loved me, too. And she only chose the other boy over me because he lived locally and I didn't.

There have been times where I've asserted I fall too easily -- a pretty girl who's nice to me and I'm already starting to fall, if she's funny and cool then I don't stand a chance. So I would tell myself it's not her, specifically, any more than I was in love with her the day we met. Any feelings stirred up aren't about her, they're probably more to do with me and my ridiculous obsession with love. I remember now her eyes, her hazel eyes being one of the first things I ever noticed about her, how the greens sparkled in the sunlight. But last night as we talked and I looked her in the eyes, in the light of the pub they seemed only brown. Pretty, but not sparkling.

#"You remember the way she swung her arms when she held your hand but you can't remember how she kissed and now you've got the chance to find out."#

We drank and talked and passed the time until it was time for us to brave the night air and catch our trains. I got off the tube at the same stop as her, even though I had to go one more further along -- just so I could say goodbye to her properly. I hugged her hard and close to me, wrapped my arms around her and just hugged her. I kissed the side of her head and said goodbye, and that was it. She left, I got the next tube and went home. I sent her a message when I got home, to say goodnight and let her know I was safe -- but I didn't get a reply. She said today she was probably already asleep.

Arab Strap- New Birds