I'm still sulking about the whole Claire business. It's difficult to explain, because it's totally not about her -- instead I'm having a High Fidelity "what does it all mean?" sort of reaction, and trying to figure why past friendships/relationships/romantic interests haven't worked out. Trying to see what the common link is to either not being good enough, or as good as the someone else there inevitably ends up being. Sometimes I can perhaps put it down to geography, or maybe not showing enough interest -- or of having those count against me when there are people who have geography and showing enough interest on their side. Anyway, that's sort of buzzing around in my head at the moment.
I invited all my friends over on Friday night, and aside from Jon and Calvin, they all decided they would rather go to the pub than See me. Almost without exception nobody told me they were going to the pub, several people made excuses for why they weren't out (when really they did go out), and nobody thought to say to me "we're going to the pub, would you like to join us?".
Yesterday I had what felt like a shit day at work. Everyone just seemed mean. Maybe not the customers individually, although in any customer-facing role the public are generally going to be characterised by being wankers. But also my colleagues all seemed like they were being mean to me, or mean and bitchy in general. The highlights of yesterday were driving to and from work -- because this week I have decided not to take the bus every day, but instead drive part of the way and catch the "park and ride" shuttle bus. This is good because it's marginally cheaper, and much faster -- it also means I don't fall asleep on the bus (because the bus journey is now only about 10 mins) and that I can listen to music in the car.
I still count driving and listening to music as one of my simple pleasures in life, which is part of why I enjoying volunteering when I'm out delivering meals -- I get to drive about, listen to my music, and often meet new and interesting people whom I squirrel away in my imagination to reuse them or their stories in fiction sometime.
Today in work was much better. This afternoon at least I was in a good mood perhaps in part due to a cherry coke at lunch, but also because I had inane conversation with my colleague Tim. Tim isn't someone who I'd probably invite out with my friends, he isn't even someone I look forward to working with -- but he's a nice enough guy, and genuine with it. I think some people take him the wrong way, but I can relate -- sometimes people don't get your sense of humour. I just like the easy conversation with him, like talking about scrabble or monopoly, or when I call him names -- nicknames I gave him today included Tim-Tim the Dog Faced Boy (which I have to use in full), just "Tim-Tim" because it sounds like Tintin which also amuses me, and variations on Chewbacca, or just doing Chewbacca impressions when he yawned.
I tried to make conversation with my colleague Zowie (pronounced as Zoe, not like Bowie) although I'm not sure she likes me, it didn't much get off the ground. I asked her what she was doing tonight -- it's almost as bad as talking about the weather, but at least I'm trying to talk to her, which is progress with me. She mentioned she had a sign-language class. I said I was impressed, which knowing girls could have been taken the wrong way -- as in she might have taken it as "I didn't think you were smart enough" rather than literally I just think it's good. She followed it up by telling me she is also learning Chinese. I didn't like her tone of voice, but was going to continue to ask her about (by asking Cantonese or Mandarin, for example), but didn't get the chance. Shortly after she announced she was going back to work upstairs. I said to Tim I don't think she likes me.
Another person I don't think likes me very much is Heather. I don't know why, but I expect she finds it difficult with me -- since I'm not very talkative, and I don't get the impression she is very talkative with people she doesn't know. I also think her people skills need work, like if she has to tell me how to do something or ask me to do something in a different way then I personally think she could try using a tone of voice that doesn't sound irritated. Either way, most days she and I barely talk since there's mostly someone easier for her to talk to. This evening, I actually initiated and maintained a pleasant conversation with her. Again, just asking her if she was out tonight -- no, she said. Why not, I said, you have the day off tomorrow? But she told me how tomorrow she is going to London with her family for dinner and a show, and we talked random stuff like that, until it was time to go home. Even though we both finish at the same time, she just announced it was time and left -- while I found our colleague we were working with, and told her I was finishing and discussed if we'd need someone to take my place.
Anyway, what work has shown me today was begrudgingly maybe my therapist has a point. I tell him I don't feel I am confident enough or outgoing enough, and he tells me to just try acting it. Try practising it. Put on the appearance of a confident person, or in this case an outgoing person. If I make the effort to try to be outgoing it becomes easier and I do reap the rewards from it. In a sense, it's what I did in PR or as a journalist -- I'd have to be on the phone talking to strangers, and there was no sense in being myself, as that wouldn't get the job done. So I had to put on the personality of a confident person.
Perhaps similarly, despite feeling thoroughly and consistently rejected, I started writing and replying to personal ads online again. I'm not looking for a relationship, really, just some fun dates or the chance to meet new and interesting people. Of course, I continue to be met with almost zero success -- but it's the doing it that counts more than a measurable result.
My writing of ads has shown me a few things -- that apparently girls don't think the planetarium would make a very good date venue, that references to songs should be avoided and describing things like seeing your breath in the air between your faces before you kiss might sound poetic, but will get fewer responses than "optimist seeks 20-something nymphomaniac who owns a brewery with an open minded twin sister".
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