I wrote a short entry perhaps last week, or earlier, about things with San which promptly got deleted after we slept on things and talked it over. But one thing that sticks with me now is that I mentioned how with our track record together we were about time for another break up. I have a feeling things might yet go that way.
I don't want to say it is a major factor, but last week San went to bed with another guy. She insists that she didn't do anything, that she only went to his house (she had met him something like the day before, which I've pointed out is not so smart) but it got late and she fell asleep. Or something. I've asked her very specifically to tell me if anything happened, but she's sticking with nothing did.
The reaction I've got from most people so far is "Doesn't this bother you?". Apparently her friends don't think it was on, and expect me to be mad. Mine are more bemused than anything as to why I'm not mad.
I've told San in no uncertain terms I'm far from happy about it, but I don't plan to make it into a big deal. If she behaved herself then that's fine, but I don't want it happening again. And it's not safe to be going to guys houses alone when you barely know them.
In conversations over the past day or two, San has seemed interested in the idea of seeing other people. She said the other day that of course she would like to be sleeping with other guys, but wouldn't want me to be seeing other people and realises that it just wouldn't work.
All the same, some of the old ideas are reemerging -- that we're still young, should be out having fun, and have the rest of our lives ahead of us to be settled down in serious relationships. She asked me to marry her once, incidentally. I didn't think she was serious, and later explained to her it couldn't work out here and now. I'm right, too. San is interested to know what else is out there, what being with other people is like, what she is like with other people. But she realises we couldn't go on seeing each other in such a context, and has said she wants to "shelve" the idea. That is, ignore it and hope it goes away.
She says to me "You want me to tell you I don't want that, don't you?". I tell her honestly, I don't want to break up -- but I do want her to be happy.
I know I love the girl, don't get me wrong, and she does love me -- but unless love is a different animal to different people, I'm not sure we would be having discussions like this. And we all know I'm not entirely without blame. I think about other girls, what it might be like to be with them. But ultimately I weigh up which I want more -- the lady and the tiger, or what is behind the door. And I choose what I have.
I expect this will all pass over in a day or week or so, just like it usually does.
Update--
San seems to have quite a different perception on our earlier discussions, almost to the point of denying what she said. But then again, she has been in and out of sleep mostly all day -- though I'm not sure why she's so tired -- and now and again starts having an entirely different conversation on her own. She just woke up, told me my hair was nice, and went back to sleep again. But I'm straying off the point -- which is I don't expect anything much, if anything at all, to change between us. For better or worse.
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