All wrong

I have no idea why it is, but I am attracted to completely the wrong type of girl.

I don't mean girls from the "wrong side of the tracks" or just girls that are just wrong for me in terms of compatibility. I mean I seem to be inexplicably attracted to girls who aren't attracted to men.

I'm not sure where it's come from. I think all the girls I have slept with to date are bisexual, and there was a time I just said I preferred bisexual girls to straight ones, since they didn't mind bisexual boys. But they are starting to be less bisexual and more just gay.

It doesn't seem to have anything in common with the typical male fantasy of 'converting' a gay girl, or joining in with a lesbian couple. I just seem to be attracted to gay girls -- whether or not they start out that way when I first knew them or met them.

It might have started with Chloe, from the LGB in Derby. Chloe and I weren't ever what you would call friends, but sure, I fancied her like crazy -- and since she was doing the same course as me, but was a year younger, we had stuff in common. Most people in the LGB just assumed I was gay, so perhaps it was that she didn't feel she had to be on her guard talking to me. She moved to the US, I never saw her again, and almost never thought of her again.

And then there's naturally the on-going issue of my girlfriend being more attracted to women than to men. If you walked into her bedroom you might think it belonged to a boy, with the life-size poster of Christina Aguilera on the wall. And the almost complete absence of pictures of men. Although you might wonder about the boy who seems over-tidy and unhealthily hung-up on glitter.

We talked a little about it today -- I don't know where it came from, to be honest. But she asked me if I really felt that she was going to run off with another girl, and I said yeah, I kind of do. I've learned to stop worrying about it, though, otherwise I probably end up driving her away. She says she just doesn't trust men.

There's also Sonia. I swear, Sonia was straight when I used to know her. But then, she used to be a princess when I knew her. Somehow in the course of about three years, she has gone from being a princess to a stoner -- and switched allegiances.

We talked online yesterday for the first time in ages. I complained that she never answers my emails, she said she honestly means to -- but she's absent-minded and smokes too much pot. My patience with stoners is very limited. She was acting a little strangely -- a recurring theme recently with girls I like, in that she was cagey about giving me contact details. This is the girl who once almost begged me on msn to give her my phone number, then called me -- from Canada -- for an epic-length conversation. She's suggested more than once that I go to Canada to vist, and when I was in the states she invited me to a party at her house. Now suddenly she won't give me a mailing address so I could write her a letter. But then again, I seem to remember she never would.

All the same, she said she felt "silly" about it, since we've known each other so long and she doesn't talk to anyone else that she used to know online. Not even her ex boyfriend. I didn't recognise his name, so asked her who he was -- she explained how they met on Open Diary, got friendly, started dating, got engaged, then split because -- in her words she is now "pretty much gay".

I'm natually confused about this, since I remember her telling me about the break up in the past and it not involving her being pretty much gay at the time. Maybe she wasn't comfortable with telling me about that side of it at the time.

I can recognise that she is gay -- and maybe should have recognised it before in that she lives in a house with just boys and considers herself to be only one of the boys and nothing more. And naturally hates being reminded that she used to be a princess -- which is possibly reminding her that she used to be straight, or at least in the closet.

Who does that leave? Fiona is bisexual, but I have doubts if I will ever talk to her again since she seems unwilling to make the effort to see me. She has said she does want to see me but her boyfriend wouldn't like it. I've had enough, and frankly aren't too bothered by the idea of not having anything to do with her again.

There's more, too. There's Indigo, although exactly what I feel for her I can't explain. I guess it's as simple as just fancying her -- I have no burning desire to sleep with any of these girls (except San, mostly), but all the same at one time or another, I can't get one of them off my mind. And it won't stop -- the girls will keep coming. There's almost a 'b' list of girls who aren't gay yet, but who I fancy and can see going that way.

One idea to disregard completely could be a link between sexuality, and having been abused or assaulted. It doesn't apply to all of them -- but many have been assaulted or abused, and it is recognised this is a factor sometimes in determining a sexuality. Could it be that I am drawn to people with issues? I was never assaulted or abused, but I have issues right enough and there's nothing like it in the world for attracting others like you.