Making me sick

It amuses the hell out of me that between ten and 15 people have been here each day since my last entry, and nobody has a single thing to say about it.

San knows something is up. I'm distant and restless, and easily irritated. I sent her text messages apologising for being the way I am, and she says that she understands. She says I understand it when she's this way, and she understands how I am. I tried to explain the body-snatched feeling. The lack of feeling, or not knowing what I feel, except for engulfing frustration.

But I think it's making me sick. San probably thinks it's a physical illness that I'm keeping quiet. She will ask why I'm rubbing my head, or holding my head in my hands. I tell her that I'm okay, that I'm not sick. But I don't think she really buys it.

The thing is, I don't know what to do and I feel like it is driving me out of my mind. What do I feel for San? I don't know. Sometimes an affection, missing her when she isn't around -- and sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes I feel as if I am looking at her and not knowing who she is.

I don't know what I want. I don't want to be without her, but can't say that I want to be with her. I can't say I particularly want to see anyone else, but have little idea how I would feel about her seeing other people.

Ever get to the point where you wish that everyone you know would just disappear? When everything is so inter-connected and you don't know how to even begin getting it back to good? When one person leads to another who leads to another and you have hurt them all.