There's very little to say today, except that there is now a first-draft cast list available, and you should click the link (also now on the link menu): What do you really think of me?
The truth is, though, I'm confused about how I feel for San. It's bad, and it shouldn't be like this -- but recently I've just been feeling detached from our relationship. San herself, after being away from Friday until yesterday, is very affectionate, but the trouble is bang in the centre of my skull there's a strange coolness.
I can't quite describe what it is. I know that I am happier with her than I am without her. And yet I feel like I am somehow not quite connecting emotionally.
On one hand, what's the big deal? This is the girl who can't or won't ever say "I love you", who seems to have real issues with intimacy. But perhaps for the first time, or the first time in some time, I feel disconnected.
What this means exactly, I don't know. Sometimes I feel as if I am an alien invader just pretending to be me, and pretending to feel. But I do feel something, or some things, it's just hard to know what. I feel like carrying a notebook so I can jot a note like "2.00am: Wake up next to San, with one arm around her. Feel loved". It doesn't seem like such a bad idea, since I am having trouble remembering specifically feelings when I am not feeling them.
An obvious course of action -- and one that I do not even consider an option -- would be to tell San. "Say, baby-- have I told you lately that I have no idea what I feel any more?". That sounds like a great idea.
What I am going to do I don't know, and couldn't tell you. I wish there really was some way I could take notes of feelings, any feeling, when I am around her so I can look at it later and try and make some sense.
But there are deadlines to meet, copy to write on cases heard in last week's magistrates court, and a freezer that is beginning to look decidedly less-full. I've promised to make San dinner on Friday night.
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