Destructive can be beneficial

In case anyone is wondering, things aren't any better. I don't feel any better.

I went out Thursday night with people off my course, in the hope that getting out of the house and having my mind taken off things would help me get things in perspective. But they didn't. I forget for a little while, but deep down it feels like I have a rat inside me. Then I remember and the thought comes back to me; I can't carry on.

It's nice to see that people care, and don't want to see me hurt -- but this was never about if anyone cared about me. This is about not wanting to fail, and not feeling able to carry on.

I guess you should know the background. I've had my troubles with my course before, despite only being something like nine weeks into it so far. I contemplated quitting before, because I didn't want to fail. But things got better. The lecturer I went to see told me that he didn't think I was doing all that terribly at all, and I thought maybe I could turn it around.

But weeks later, and it hasn't turned around. I was told on Thursday by a lecturer that I am not improving, or that I have hit a plateau at a very low level -- at around 40%, if you are wondering. Add on to that still being truly terrible at shorthand, having more assignments set, and not having any work placement for over Christmas I don't think I can do it. And failing to my mind would be so much worse than quitting.

I'm looking online for energising supplements -- if maybe I could concentrate better, or stay awake for longer, I could get more done. I'm not particular bothered about what they contain, either -- since I'm not particular bothered about looking after myself. Being self destructive can be beneficial sometimes. If I could get more done then I could perhaps pull up and make all the difference, all for a little less sleep or a little more energy.

I find myself, perfectly calmly, sitting around and reasonably wondering how to make a suicide look like an accident. I said it was small stuff, and sounds trivial -- but I can't face failing, and who said this world is a place worth staying in to begin with?