Catharsis.

I feel good today, and I think the word for the day would be "catharsis". Which is funny, because San used to keep a diary by that very name, which she claims she only chose because her first choice -- Cardiac -- was already taken.

I don't know what I expected to happen. I'd been thinking about it all day and although I know damn well I spend way too much time on my own and thinking, and that I think myself into knots, I decided something had to be done. So I first gave San my permission to sleep with the friend of a friend she thinks is hot, or thought was hot when she met her. How seriously she took me, I don't know -- since she gave me permission to shag a cowgirl the other night. It's not as weird as it sounds.

I then decided that I should tell San I'd been thinking it over, and that she was right all along and should be able to date other people. San didn't get what had brought on the change of heart, and actually didn't want to see other people any more. I called her, briefly, and tried to explain what I was feeling, or not feeling, or not knowing what I was feeling, but didn't do a very good job of it. So she agreed to come over.

And like I say, what I expected to happen I don't know. When your girlfriend has been thinking that everything is great and your relationship is the best it's been in a long time it would appear to be a bad idea to suggest that you might not have been feeling the same way.

Maybe she over-reacted, maybe she didn't. San took my talk of confusion and my feelings of estrangement from my life to mean that all the time when she has been thinking things were good, they were really not. She took from this that our whole relationship has been crap, and that I have effectively been deceiving her. Which was fun.

I tried to explain that if I seem to be happy then I am happy, and if I seem moody and detached then I am moody and detached. I also pointed out that I had nothing to gain from lying to her about that, if I was telling her how I felt to begin with. San decided she needed time away from me, indefinitely, and left.

Fortunately, she came back a short while later, a little calmer, but willing to talk and curious as to why I had let her walk away. I pointed that other than forcibly stopping her, I couldn't control what she did.

To try and summarise, we talked it through and I have managed to satisfy San that I was not looking to break up with her, was not telling her to date other people because I'm not really that bothered about our relationship, and basically have just been feeling confused and frustrated.

I don't know what has been going on in my head recently, but I do know that I want to be with her. Right now -- and even before the cathartic events of last night -- I really and positively and very actively want to be with her.

There is going to be a lot of work involved now, though -- because San no longer feels happy, safe or secure in our relationship. I don't know how long it will be before we get to a point where San is once again completely relaxed and comfortable with me, without wondering if I'm secretly thinking I don't want to be with her. I'm hoping things will return to normal pretty quickly.

I need to stop over-analysing things, need to get out more -- and yes, I do need more confidence.

It's sort of funny really -- yesterday, San thought everything was fine, and I felt bad. Today she is possibly thinking that I have been deceiving her any of the times when she thought I was happy, but I'm feeling pretty much okay.

Yeah, I know. It's not sane.