It's hard to know how to describe how I am feeling right now. I would hazard a guess it was what Alette described as "ennui" and "angst" in response to my last entry -- a kind of frustration at where my life is, rather than any sort of active depression. What Holly Golightly called "the mean reds". Ms Golightly also said you can't give your heart to a wild thing, but that's a discussion for a whole other day, and it would probably involve girls.
I don't need to discuss why I feel frustrated because I went over all of that the other day. I just do feel it.
I didn't sleep well last night. For some reason, if I lie on my right side and face the wall, although I start to fall alseep my mind is too active and I have to wake up, make an effort to empty my mind, and turn onto my right side. Then I fall asleep without a trouble, until around 6am an alarm clock in the room next door plays the William Tell Overture. I haven't established why there is an alarm clock in the spare room where nobody is sleeping.
Last night was the usual routine -- try to sleep on left side, can't stop thinking -- and when I say I can't stop thinking we are talking from the day's events, to something that is bugging me right back to how last night I was feeling annoyed about a counsellor I saw when I was 18 or 19. It got the point where I felt like someone was shouting at me -- probably something left over from the day at work, Sundays are always the busiest day. Needless to say, sleep wasn't going to be easy so I had to open my eyes and sit up to try and take in some of the dark and the quiet. I didn't feel I could even relax then, so I dug out my discman and put on my "mind programming" cd.
I can't be sure if it's ineffective if you fall asleep listening to it, or how deeply asleep I am -- because I always wake up at the end. Not when the cd finishes and it's suddenly quiet, but in the closing seconds. Either way, whether or not I am open to suggestion in my sleep (I don't believe in "sleep learning"), it keeps me calm enough to sleep.
I had a restless night, though. I don't know what I dreamed of, but my covers were all pulled off the bed -- and that only frustrates me when I'm asleep. I sleep best with the sheets tucked tightly in each side so that I can hardly move -- I expect there's a psycholigical explanation for it. It could be that it reminds me of a hospital -- they always seem to tuck the sheets in tightly. But why would I want to be reminded of that? My lengthy hospital stay when I was a kid was hardly a pleasant experience.
I have started going to bed at 12 instead of 1 or later, and am sticking to getting up at 9 and eating breakfast. I even went to the gym today. But I expect time spent online is unlikely to be helping my mood.
Maybe you just like being "snug as a bug in a rug"? Or we could go into psychobabble about the security of the womb, but the bug thing is much cuter and less creepy, right?
ReplyDeletewell, I think that tucking in is a feeling of security. Ususally when you're a child you are tucked in tightly so that you don't fall out - maybe it's a throwback to simpler times when control of your life was in the hands of others and not yourself.
ReplyDeleteI usually do very similar things when trying to sleep - i like listening to music or talk back or something like that. I found it hard to get to bed last night too - and ended up with earphones in too!
I have exactly the same sleeping problem and I put it down to a number of things. Firstly, it happens when I'm kind of restless about my life, particularly if there are lots of things I feel I need to do (no matter what the nature of those things are). Secondly, I've only had this sleeping problem since acquiring a bed with a shit mattress. We keep meaning to replace it but that takes time and money. Lastly theres the usual too hot/too cold thing but everyone gets that.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound weird and maybe a tad patronising but I find that I just fucking riggle around for hours and hours until I drive myself mad but then there comes a point (not soon enough in the night for my liking) where mentally something in me decides 'ok body, we're going to fucking sleep. keep still, ok?!' and thats it. I get into a position I can hold and I dont move. But I think all the insomnia stuff has to come first for that to work.
Alette- I've heard the womb suggestion before, and yeah the "snug as a bug" is much cuter and less creepy.
ReplyDeleteMez- I like your idea there, about the feeling of security. Maybe it's also a thing of feeling cared for, that someone is looking out for you? Even if you're the one tucking your own sheets in.
Charley- You make a good point (when don't you?), I should probably take more time to relax before bed, turn my mattress once in a while and resist the urge to keep tossing and turning for hours.