I don't want to be right.

As for cooking dinner for San last night; it didn't happen. I went shopping as planned and we even had a discussion in text about if she was coming to me, or me to her. But then she asked how long it was going to take, because she wanted to go out later. I felt there was little point in her coming over only for dinner, especially since I had work to do first.

Sure, she invited me along -- but since I had to go to a coroner's inquest today, I figured I would be better off getting to bed at a reasonable hour. Whether she was disappointed or if she had wanted to see me or not I couldn't get out of her. So we said I'd cook on Friday night and maybe see her today. But I'm not seeing her today. She asked earlier if it was tonight or Friday I was going to be cooking, when I told her Friday she just said she would see me then. I asked if she wanted to do anything tonight, but she just said she would see me Friday. What was she doing tonight? She had no plans, but thought "we shouldn't see each other every single day".

This annoyed me. We don't see each other every single day, and never have. I have seen her once this week, on Tuesday -- but when I ask her why she is against seeing me today she makes excuses. She asks if I'm mad at her. I tell her I'm not -- which is true, I'm more irritated and offended than I am mad at her, and ask why she seems mad at me and determined not to see me. She falls back on we shouldn't see too much of each other.

This feels familiar.

I think we might be heading back to where this diary began -- with the conflict between me being in love with her and wanting to see her, and her not being in love and not much caring one way or the other about seeing me. I'm fairly sure that if I was to ask her now like I did then the questions about if she misses me when I'm not around, or looks forward to just talking to me each day, if she tries to remember things that happen or are said to tell me about later, then what it would come back to -- like before -- is no.

I can't bring myself to ask her though. I don't want to put ideas in her head, I don't want to annoy her with my insecurities or make her feel bad. But most of all, I don't want to be right.