and then, and then, and then

I wish that I could tell you that things are better, but if I'm still using this template then the answer is going to be that they aren't.

Right now I am confused more than anything. I am in a pretty thoroughly unhappy place with my course, and unlike perhaps when I was an under-grad I don't think it's as simple as just carrying on. I was told by the head of department that I wouldn't be here if I wasn't good enough or couldn't do it. They were ludicrously over-subscribed. She says they took me because I can do it, and they don't make mistakes. This was weeks ago, months maybe. But she also said that if I am that unhappy and if the last thing I want is a job in journalism then naturally that was another matter completely.

To be honest, I don't know what I want.

I call home or I talk to San and talk about how I feel and I'm always being told "but it's only 6 months" -- and I say but I'm unhappy now and I don't know if I even want in a journalism any more. But what else will you do? Always that question. And I don't know. Then you should probably just stick it out...it's only a few months... And around and around we go.

Looking at my drinking recently, I can't say it's a problem. I don't remember when I was last drunk, or even when I last drank a lot. I know my limit and know to stop even if I don't feel drunk. That has to be good, though I don't really feel one way or the other about it. The whole idea of using diet pills or just speed if I could get it was never really going to get off the ground for the important reason that I have no job and no money.

I haven't even cut myself in months. The desire is there right enough -- I barely even shaved for last week, but when San commented on it I told her it was just because I didn't feel I could trust myself with a razor. I think it made her sad. But I'm clean-shaved now. My clothes are mostly clean, at any rate they aren't noticably dirty and don't smell. I need a hair cut, but I guess I will get one when I go back home for Christmas.

I would consider getting pierced again. I was telling San how piercing is the best form of self harm, since because it is so obvious and in everyone's face nobody realises why. There's no need to lie about how I got the cuts on my arms, or cutting my legs where it can't be seen. And I don't think the excuses ever really fool anyone. Of course, I always liked how it looked and that would in turn -- along with the endorphins -- make me feel good. But right now I need a job and need more things in my favour, not less.

Things with [San] are good. It seems I only ever write about her when things aren't going well -- I guess there's more to say when there's drama. On Friday when she came over I hadn't seen her in a week. We spent the weekend together, which was mostly uneventful but largely pretty happy on the basic level. San gets moods like I do. She said she was feeling numb for a while on one day, and said she felt bad because I hadn't done anything wrong. I understand though, it's the same for what I feel. I just distract her and try to make her happy.

But like I say, this week I'm still unhappy. I don't feel welcome on my course by some of the people I have to work with although this could be all in my head, or could be rectified if I made myself more social. I can identify several inter-connected problems that come from me not liking people all that much, and I wonder if this is a problem for journalism.

I told San today that I wish I could see how things will turn out. If just being unhappy for the next six months will be it -- after that I will get a job, and I won't hate it, and things will get better. Or if things will get worse. I guess the answer is that what will happen is what I let happen. If I make the decision to be happy and to do well things will be different to if I keep telling myself I hate it here and want out.

It's just a vicious cycle.