I want...

In keeping with my whole fucked-up-ness recently, or perhaps a sign that I can at least watch how fucked up I am, I have started to watch my drinking. It's never been that big of a deal, but I noticed I was drinking almost every night. I can't say I was drunk every night, or that it was interfering with other aspects of my life, but I felt it needed watching. So I said on Sunday, that's it -- nothing else until Friday night.

I lasted until, I think, Tuesday. Of course, it's only been one drink each day, and my inability to actually get any work done has had nothing to do with that. But all the same. There was a thread in the forums about things we are addicted to -- but perhaps I took it too seriously when I said "I'm like a chocaholic -- but with alcohol".

I asked San to pick me up some St John's wort, since she offered to get me some ginseng to help with the work. I also told her to get me some "diet pills". None of this herbal crap, something that has a big fat warning that too much can give you a heart attack. Even if she gets around to picking up the other stuff I know that she won't get me that -- probably for the same reason that I want them.

She doesn't believe me that i could -- if so inclined -- buy prescription drugs online, without a prescription. I just checked, and I could get myself a batch of Ritalin without any prescription. Sure, it's at an extortionate price and probably illegal, but I could -- if so inclined.

I might just look up the symptoms of ADD online and go convince a doctor to write me a real prescription.

Better yet; on my course we are now into "district reporting", that is producing a kind of mini newspaper in groups from various areas of the city. Luckily for me, if I wanted to be buying speed, I think we are reporting from exactly the right kind of place.

So I am trying to watch my drinking, but at the same time wanting some kind of... speed, or near equivalent, just for the sake of it. I'm thinking ritalin might do me some good, but have no illusions about the rest. I just need some kind of release for all this negative energy.

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